Thread: Racist jokes

A few jewish ones for a start

JEWISH JOKES

Racial Characteristics:
Living proof that money can't buy love, these greedy, usurious, scheming Christ-killers, who won't eat pork because it reminds
them of their parents, go around moving into other people's countries and buying up all the pawnshops and delicatessens. They
were personally responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire, the 1929 stock market crash, and the loss of World War II by a
prominent European country. Now they're ruining show business. Their fiendish heathen religious rituals include mutilating the
penises of their own sons and drinking the blood of Christian babies during Lent. The world's nations have historically competed
with each other to see who could get rid of them fastest. They control the legal, medical, psychiatric, and accountancy professions, and are the force behind international communism, freemasonry, sex education, the media, and the catholic church.

Good Points:
I can't think of one.

Proper Forms of Address:
Yid, kike, sheeny, Hebe, nickel-nose, knife-nose, gabardine stroking mockey, clip-tip.



Who’s the best Jewish cook? Hitler.

What do you get when you squeeze a Synagogue?
Jewce(juice)

When’s the only time you wink and smile at a nigger?
Through the scope.

What was so bad about being a black Jew?
You had to sit in the back of the oven.

How does hitler’s moped sound?
Runnnn nigger nigger nigger, runnnn nigger nigger nigger

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

What's a Jewish woman's favorite position for sex?
Facing Macy's.

Why do Jewish husbands die young?
Because they want to.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Jewish princess and a prostitute?A. A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What’s the resemblance between snails and Sephardic Jews?A: They don’t need women to make babies!

Why are jews so good at math?
They got all the answers burned on their arms.
First Man: I'm going to be just like Hitler and kill all the jews. But I'm going to kill all the clowns, too.
Second Man: Why the clowns? First Man: See, no one cares about the Jews!
Why did Hitler kill himself?
Because he saw his gas bill.
Hitler stands in front of a cannon with some jews. He tells the first one: Spread your arms and jump into the cannon! The jew
jumps and dies. Then he tells the second one: Touch your toes with your hands and jump into the canon! The jew jumps and
dies, too. He tells the third one: Put your arms in the air and jump into the canon! Suddenly, Hitlers mother appears, yelling at
him: Adolf, stop playing tetris with those jews!!!
At his birthday, Hitler tells three jews: Ive got a dice here. Two sides are blue, two are green and the other two sides are red.
Everyone of you has to roll the dice. If it shows blue, one of you will be hung. If it shows green, one of you will be shot. If it shows
red, I´ve got a surprise for you! The first one rolls the dice, it shows blue and he is hung. The second one rolls the the dice, it
shows green, and he is shot. The third one rolls the dice. It shows red, therefore Hitler says: Congratulations, you can roll the
dice again!!!
Two nazis meet in prison. The first one asks the second one. What is misfortune? A bus full of jews falliing of a cliff right into
the sea. What is a disaster? If they can swim.
What's Hitlers least favorite planet?
'Jewpiter'

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in an oven!

Whats the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
A canoe tips

How do you get 100 jews into a car?
Throw a quarter in it.
How do you get them out again?
Tell them Hilter is driving.

How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle?
54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

How do you know you have a queer Jew?
He likes money more than girls.

Have you heard about the Jewish sports car?
It stops on a dime, then picks it up .

What is a Jews biggest dilemma?
Free pork

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Cuz all the airs free.

Whats the object of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back.

How was copper wire invented?
2 Jews fighting over the same penny

What language does Jewish homo speak?
Heblew

What did the little German boy get for his birthday?
Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew

Hows Christmas celebrated in Jewish homes?
They put parking meters on the roof.

Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years?
They heard that someone dropped a quarter

What do you call a room full of jewish women with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.

Whats Jewish doggy style?
You beg for half an hour and the princess rolls over and plays dead.

What happens when a Jew with an errection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.

What's faster than a speeding bullet?
A jew with a coupon.




Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math!

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead,
he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was
hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched
back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little
Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew
they weren't screwing around."




Why are Synagogue's circular?
So the jews cant hide in the corner when the collection plate comes around!

A chinaman and a jew are drinking at a bar when the jew gets nasty. "You motherfuckers ought to be ashamed of yourselves
for Pearl Harbor. Sneaky little shits, bombing all of those innocent sailors, fuck you." The chink replied, "Hey! Wait a minute,
that wasn't us! I'm Chinese. Pearl Harbor was done by Japanese." The jew said, "Ahh, Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" So the chink says, "Well, what about your people? Sinking the Titanic and killing all those helpless women and children, I should fuck you up right here." The kike exclaimed, "What the hell are you
yapping about? Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it hit an iceberg, you jackass!" The chink said, "Ahh, iceberg, Goldberg, what's
the difference?"

An old jew bitch was walking her grandson down the beach when a huge wave came up and washed the little boy out to
sea. The old woman shook her fist at the sky and cursed God for 20 minutes for taking her only grandson. Finally God
couldn't stand the irritating bitch anymore and he sent another wave that set the boy, unharmed, gently back at her feet.
After a quick search of the boy she shook her fist at the sky and shrieked, "He had 50 cents in his pocket when you took him!"

What do you call a nigger with a peg leg?
Shit on a stick!

What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac!

Did you hear the one about the baby nigger who went to heaven and got his wings?
He said, "God! Look! I'm an angel!", and God said, "No you stupid nigger! You're a bat, now eff off!"

I like black people . . .
. . I used to have some black friends 'till my dad sold them!

What does a nigress and an ice hockey player have in common?
They both change their pads after 3 periods!

Why do blacks have white hands and feet?
They were on all fours when God spray painted them!

Why do black people have white hands?
Everyone has some good in them!

Why do black people have white hands?
It rubs off the cop cars!

Why do more niggers get hit by cars in the winter?
They're easier to spot!

What do you call two blacks on one bike?
Organized crime!

Why are niggers getting stronger?
T.V.s are getting bigger!

What happened to the nigger who had an abortion?
Crime Stoppers sent her a check for $500!

Why don't nigger bitchs wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies away from the chicken!

What's the difference between a truck full of baby niggers and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork!

What does FUBU stand for?
Farmers Used to Buy Us

What does FUBU stand for?
Farmers Used to Beat Us

Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think its whale shit!

Why do niggers call white people "honkies"?
Thats the last sound they hear before they get hit!

What do they do with dead niggers in California?
Gut them to make wetsuits!

Why does L.A. have so many fags and N.Y. so many niggers?
L.A. had first choice!

What do you call a chinese nigger with AIDS?
Coon Die Soon!

What does NAACP stand for?
Niggers Against All Caucasian People

What does NAACP stand for?
Now Apes Are Called People

Why did God give niggers big dicks?
As a way to say "sorry" for putting pubes on their heads!

Why do niggers wear wide brimmed hats?
So birds won't shit on their lips!

Why was white chocolate invented?
So nigger kids could get messy too!

What do you call a niggers car?
A 'blood vessel'.

What do you call 1,000 niggers going down a hill?
A mudslide!

What do Nikes and the KKK have in common?
They both make niggers run fast!

Why is there no black Miss America pageant?
Nobody want's to be Ms. Idaho!

What do you get when you cross a nigger and a gorilla?
A dumb gorilla!

What do you call a nigger having sex?
Rape!

How many polacks does it take to clean a bathroom?
None, it's a niggers job!

White folks aren't racist . .
. . we've all got colored TV's!

Why do niggers hate asperin?
Because it's white and it works!

A nigger walks into a bar and says, "Yo! Where do all the homies hang?"
The bartender says, "out there", pointing to a tree in the back.

What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
An Ethiopian!

How many niggers does it take a shingle a roof?
It depends how thin you slice them!

How do you get a nigger out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

Why don't nigger babies play in sandboxes?
Cats keep trying to bury them!

What do you call 60,000 niggers on a plane heading back to Africa?
A good start!

What do you call a nigger hiding in the woods?
A brown recluse!

What do you call a black bowling ball?
A nigger egg.

What did God say when he made the first nigger?
Oops! I put the pubes on his head!

What was missing from the Million Man March?
About a thousand miles of chain and an auctioneer!

What do Confederates do on the New Year?
Shoot niggers with roman candles and throw Confetti!

How do you get a nigger to wear a condom?
Put a Nike logo on it!

How do you keep a nigger bitch pleased?
Give her some fried chicken!

What happened when the Nigger looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face!

What do you call a busload of niggers going off a cliff with one empty seat?
A crying shame!

What do you call 1,000 niggers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!

What did God say when he made the first nigger?
Oops! Burnt another one!

Why haven't any niggers died from West Nile virus?
Mosquitos don't land on shit, only flies do!

Why is a nigger like a vending machine?
Neither work, but they both take your money!

Why are blacks so tall?
Their knee grows.

What do you call a bunch of old niggers in a barn?
Antique farm equiptment!

Why do they put cotton in pill bottles?
To remind the niggers they used to pick cotton before they were drug dealers!

Why was the nigger with diarrea freaking out?
He thought he was melting!

Why does Stevie Wonder always smile?
He doesn't know he's black.

What's the difference between bigfoot and a working nigger?
Bigfoot's been spotted!

What's the definition of Mass Confusion?
Fathers day in Harlem!

What do you call a nigger with an afro?
Microphone.

What do you call two blacks in a bodybag?
Twix!

Why are there only 2 pall bearer at a niggers funeral?
A garbage can only has two handles!

What does a nigger give his kid for his birthday?
YOUR bike!

Why shouldn't you throw rocks at a nigger driving by?
It could be your car!

Why did the man take off his watch to grab a handful of jelly beans?
He was afraid the blacks would steal it!

How do we know Adam wasn't black?
Ever try taking a rib from a black guy?

What's long, dark and stinks?
The unemployment line!

Why do niggers and spics always have nice clothes, jewelry and cars but still live in shitty houses?
They haven't figured out how to steal houses yet!

Why can't Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder read?
They're niggers!

A woman meets a black guy and invites him back to her place. She handcuffs herself to the bed and screams...
"Do what you black men do best!". The nigger grabs the TV and runs!

What's blue and hangs in my front yard?
My nigger! I'll paint him whatever color I want!

What's a black mans fortune cookie?
A peice of cornbread with a food stamp in the middle!

How does a niggress take a pregnancy test?
She sticks a banana up her pussy, if it comes out half-eaten you know there's another monkey on the way!

What's 8 miles long and has a combined IQ of 56?
The Martin Luther King Day parade!

What's the difference between a nigger and Batman?
Batman can go out at night without Robbin!

What's the difference between a nigger and a letter?
You can send the letter back where it came from!

What do you call a bunch of niggers neck-deep in mud?
Afro-turf

What do you call a bunch of niggers skydiving?
Air pollution!

What's long and hard on a nigger?
Third grade.

A nigger with a parrot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?"
The parrot says, "Africa! There are millions of them over there just sitting around"

What does NAACP stand for?
Niggers Are Actually Colored People.

What does NAACP stand for?
Niggers Are Always Causing Problems.

What does NAACP stand for?
Niggers, Apes, Aligators, Coons and Possums.

What do you call a nigger waterskiing?
A top-water jig.

What would you call the flintstones if they were black?
Niggers!

A nigger, a jew and a mexican jump off a building at the same time .. who hits the ground first?
Who cares!

How do you keep a nigger from drowning?
Take your boot off his head.

Ever hear the rumor that niggers are bigger than white men? How do you tell when a nigger is really well hung?
When you can't fit a finger between his neck and the rope!

What do you say to a black man in court?
Will the defendant please rise!

What do you call a black man in high school?
Janitor

What's the only way a person can look at a nigger and smile?
Through the scope of a gun!

Why do niggers keep chickens in their back yards?
To teach their kids how to walk.

How do you keep a nigger from jumping on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.

Whats the difference between a nigger and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What do an apple and a nigger have in common?
They both belong hanging in trees.

Why don't niggers celibrate Thanksgiving?
KFC is closed on holidays.

How do you starve a nigger?
Hide his foodstamps under his work boots.

What do you call seven niggers hanging in a tree?
A windchime.

What are three things you can't give a nigger?
A fat lip, a black eye and a job!

What's the difference between a dead dog in a road and a dead nigger in a road?
The dog has skid marks in front of it.

What do you call a black priest?
Holy shit!

I had a nigger in my family tree . . .
. . . he's still hanging there!

Why are trees so close in Harlem?
Public transportation.

How long does it take a nigress to take a shit?
9 months

What do you call a nigger with a Harvard education?
A nigger!

Why are all the niggers fast runners?
All the slow ones are in jail.

Whats the difference between niggers and snow tires?
Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them!

How do you keep a nigger from going out?
Pour more gas on him!

Why do white folks go to nigger garage sales?
To get their stuff back.

How do you keep niggers out of your back yard?
Hang one in your front yard!

What does a nigger and sperm have in common?
Only about 1 out of two million actually work.

What do you do if you wake up in the middle of the night to see your television floating in mid-air?
Shoot the nigger stealing it.

What's the difference between a large pizza and a nigger?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

What's wrong with four niggers in a cadillac going off a cliff?
A cadillac seats five!

How can you tell a nigger's just had sex?
His eyes are all red from the mace.

How do you get a nigger to leave you alone?
Throw him a basketball!

What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman?
One's on the cover of Playboy and the other's on the cover of National Geographic.

There are three people at a bar. One is Mexican, one is Iraqi and the other is American. The Mexican gets a beer drinks it then he throws the glass in the air takes out his pistol and shoots it to pieces. He says in Mexico glass is so cheap we do not need to drink out of same glass twice. Then the Iraqi gets a beer and drinks it. He also throws it in the air and takes out his AK47 and shoots it to pieces. He says in Iraq we have so much sand that we too do not need to drink out of same glass twice. Then the American gets a beer and drinks it and throws the glass up. He then shoots the Mexican and Iraqi and catches the glass and says, "In America we have so many illegal immigrants that we dont need to drink with the same ones twice.

How are a mexican (or spic) and a cue ball alike?
The harder you hit it, the more english you get out of it.

A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.

Why aren't there any spics on Star Trek?
They won't work in the future either!

What do you call a gang of spics running down a hill?
Jailbreak!

Why do blacks put their garbage in clear bags?
So puerto ricans can window shop!

Why do spics drive lowriders?
So they can drive while they pick strawberries.

What do you call a mexican getting baptised?
Bean dip!

What do you call a building full of spics?
A jail!

What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan!

What do you call a spic with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

How do you kill a mexican?
Throw a quarter off a cliff!

What do you get when you breed a black and a mexican?
A theif who's too lazy to steal!

Why don't mexicans have barbecues?
The beans keep falling through the grill!

What did the spic say when his home fell on him?
Get off me holmes!!

How do you find the richest spic in town?
Drop a penny, whoever catches it is the richest spic!

Why do mexicans eat tamales on christmas?
So they'll have something to unwrap!

Why were there only 40,000 mexicans at the Alamo?
They only have two cars!



How do you start a mexican parade?
Roll a quarter down the street!

A mexican and a nigger are riding in car . . who's driving?
A cop!

How do you hide money from a mexican?
Hide it under a bar of soap!

Why is there no mexican olympic team?
All the spics who can run, jump or swim are in the U.S.!

Why is a spic like a pizza?
They're both small, greasy and speak no english!

What is a Mexican without a lawnmower?
Unemployed!

Why do mexicans like tiny steering wheels?
It make it easier to drive while handcuffed!

What do you call a spick with too much hair jell?
A jellybean!

How do you save a drowning Puerto Rican?
You don't know, GOOD!

What do get when you cross a Spic and a gook?
A car thief who can't drive

What do you call a Mexican with long hair?
An Indian!

Why do Hispanic women hate Swans?
Because they're White, They're Beautiful, and They usually know who the fathers of their children are!

How do you start a riot in mexico?
Roll a Quarter down the street.
How do you find the richest beaner in mexico?
Find out who go the quarter!

my night of below the belt fury in france was the best action there since the napolionic wars, my gun wouldn't stop working.

I'm just waiting for france to drag Britain into yet another war so they can surrender and we have to save their a$$ again

for a country that always runs from a fight, why do they wear barets like brave soldiers would do, its quite ironic

"They're protesting a day-after pill in France. The pill isn't being protested anywhere else because it would mean fewer French people."
—Craig Kilborn

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”

—Mark Twain


“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.”
—General George S. Patton


“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf


“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson


Jacques Chirac: “As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.”
Rush Limbaugh: “As far as France is concerned, you’re right.”


“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
—Regis Philbin


“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don’t know.” —P. J. O’Rourke


“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.”
—Sen. John McCain (AZ)


“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people!”
—Conan O’Brien


“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get Hitler out of France either.”
—Jay Leno


“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”
—David Letterman


“Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.” —Ted Nugent


“The favorite bumper sticker in Washington now is one that says ‘First Iraq, then France.’” —Tom Brokaw


“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?” —Dennis Miller


“It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.” —Alan Kent
who are you talking about the british, americans, australians, canadians or the (real) indians?


“They’ve taken their own precautions against al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.”
—Argus Hamilton


“Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day—the description was, ‘Never shot. Dropped once.’”
—Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)


“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller

“Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in World War II? And that’s because it was raining.” —John Xereas

What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in World War II? Table for one hundred thousand, m’sieur?

The AP and UPI reported that the French government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP)
Paris, March 5, 2003
The French government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

How do you sink the French Navy?
Put it in water.

Did you know the blue and red stripes on the french flag are removable to speed up the millitary process?

A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada

Monday, September 10. 2007

A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.

"Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?"

The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way.

The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."
Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:18

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar

Monday, September 10. 2007

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:18

An American, an Australian and a Canadian were

Monday, September 10. 2007

An American, an Australian and a Canadian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his Budweiser beer, knocked it back in one gulp, threw the glass into the air, and shot it with his handgun. As he set the gun on the bar, he said to the Australian and the Canadian, ?In the great U.S. of A. we have so much money, we never drink out of the same glass twice.?

Next the Australian drank his Fosters beer, threw the glass into the air, and shot the glass with the American?s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he proclaimed, ?In Australia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap, and we too never drink out of the same glass twice.?

Finally, the Canadian drank his Labatts Blue beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian, ?In Canada, we have so many Americans, we never have to drink with the same one twice.?

Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:17

CBC Television is developing an Albertan version

Monday, September 10. 2007

CBC Television is developing an Albertan version of "Survivor" the popular TV show. The rules are simple.

Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer,Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:

I'm votin' for Chretien, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take your Guns.

The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner!
Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:17

It's Game seven of the Stanley Cup final

Monday, September 10. 2007

It's Game seven of the Stanley Cup final, Toronto vs Montreal, and a man makes his way to his seat, right down at centre ice. He sits down and notices that the next seat is empty. He leans over and askes his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No" he replied, "that seat shall be empty."
"That is incredible!! Who in their right mind would give up a seat like this and miss the final game of the playoffs!?!?"
The neighbour says, "Well actually that seat belonged to my wife, she passed away and this is the first game we haven't been together to since we were married in 1967."
"Oh I am so sorry, but you couldn't find anyone who would want to take this seat?"
"No" the man said, "They are all at her funeral!"
Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:17

The National Transportation Safety Board

Monday, September 10. 2007

The National Transportation Safety Board recently conducted an extensive study with car maker Fords in installing black boxes in the dash board of 4x4 pickup trucks in order to determine the causes of traffic fatalites. They were surprised to find that in most provinces, 56.4% of driver's last words were "Oh Shit!"
The lone exception was the province of Alberta where 83.7% said their last words "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:16

There were 4 guys mountain climbing in the rockies

Monday, September 10. 2007

There were 4 guys mountain climbing in the rockies all three were avid hockey fans. As they reached the summit, the first guy runs and jumps off of the mountain and yells "this is for the Los Angeles Kings"

The second climber runs off the summit and yells "this is for the Detroit Red Wings"

The third climber runs and pushes the fourth climber off the summit and who happens to be from Calgary and yells "this is for the Edmonton Oilers"
Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:16

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how

Monday, September 10. 2007

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there's a very simple answer......
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alberta.

All our dipsticks are in Ottawa.
Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:15

Paul Martin dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter

Monday, September 10. 2007

Paul Martin dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and takes him on the grand tour. As Paul is walking around, he notices all these clocks with names above them on the wall. He sees Preston Manning's, Lucien Bouchard's, etc... and each clock is going at a different speed. Some a little faster than others. He's curious, so he asks St. Peter what all this is about. St. Peter tells him that each clock represents a person's life:

"Every time someone tells a lie, their clock ticks of a minute of their life." John has seen the clocks of all the people he knows except one. So he asks St Peter, "I haven't seen Jean Chretien's clock. Where is it?"

"Well," says St Peter. "God keeps Jean Chretien's clock in his office. He uses it as a fan."
Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:15

A man walked into the produce section of his local

Monday, September 10. 2007

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a heaf of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that they boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Canada, sir" the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
The boy replied, "No kidding??? Who did she play for?"
Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:14

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife

Monday, September 10. 2007

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chr?tien...]

"Your husband has been such a prominent Canadian figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chr?tien.

A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer, and no one knew what to say next. Prime Minister Jean Chr?tien leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma petite, in hinglish dey pronounce dat word, 'appiness!".

Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:14

It's the first day of school and the teacher

Monday, September 10. 2007

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she would get to know her students better by asking what their parents did for a living.

The first girl says "My name is Mary, and my daddy is a postman."

The second girl says "My name is Gracie and my dad is a mechanic"

The next little boy says "My name is Andy, and my dad is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men'

The teacher was taken aback by this and dismissed the class for recess. She then approaches Andy privately and askes if it's true his dad dances for gay men. Andy blushes and says "Well no, but I was too embarassed to say that he played hockey for Team USA!"

Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:14

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened

Monday, September 10. 2007

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do her own shopping and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:13

Henry and Mike decide to leave Newfoundland

Monday, September 10. 2007

Henry and Mike decide to leave Newfoundland and fly to Ontario. Before they leave, Henry's dad gives them a bit of advice: "You watch out for those Toronto cab drivers. If you give 'em an inch, they'll take a yard. They'll rob you blind. There's nothing you can do - except don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."

At the airport in Toronto they hail a cab to take them to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."

"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says Henry.

"And you'll only get fifteen from me too." Adds Mike.
Posted by Dirk in Canadian Jokes at 23:13

A Canadian Apology to the US

Monday, September 10. 2007

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him. I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice. I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain. I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons. And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you