Thread: Tuesday Pun

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains. "I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his computer and began uploading the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence:

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners..... .
When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo: 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at ' Document Center of Immiglation.' Man in front of me was man from Poland’

'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'

He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say,

'Sam Ting.

What do you call a Pope who retires?

During their digging, some miners uncovered an ancient map carved in stone with the location of immortal dolphins. Not understanding the significance of the find, they just destroyed the map as they kept mining.

A wealthy old man got word of this discovery and thought he might be able to discover the secret to eternal life if he could only capture some of those dolphins. He reasoned that some miners might recall what the map looked like. So he plotted to kidnap the miners and interrogate them.

There was nowhere to land a helicopter near the mine, and the mine was in lion country. So the old man had his minions dust the area with tranquilizers to put the lions to sleep. Then they landed reasonably close to the mines, kidnapped the miners, and then brought them back to the helicopter.

Unfortunately, the FBI was there waiting to arrest the minions. The charge?

Transporting miners across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
... Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,


"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'.

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional -- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:


"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!' '

A little bit longer one.

Old Testament computing….

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.

And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

Amen.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20′s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40′s, and a preacher when in her 60′s, and now – in her 80′s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained,

“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Fred and Lynda were making passionate love in Fred’s Transit van when suddenly
Lynda ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: “Oh, fat boy, whip
me, whip me!”

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have
any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps
the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Lynda until they both collapse
in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Lynda notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the
doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: “Did you get these marks having sex?”

Lynda a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone
allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that,
“Yes, I did.”

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: “I thought so, because in
all my years as a doctor, you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease
that I’ve ever seen.”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks:

“Can you see me now?”

The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?” “That fellow traveling through,” said the farmer. “needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.” So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was disheveled and she had straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn! She too did not return for over an hour.

Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. “How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried. “We made such passionate love last night!”

“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth , and yelled out…..

“LAIDTHEOLADEETOO”

Su Wong married Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs had a new baby.

The nurse brought out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

“Congratulations,” said the nurse to the new parents.

“By the way Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong think
of your new baby?”

The puzzled father looked at his new baby boy and said,

“You sure, OUR baby”, said a startled Mr Wong?

“Of course”, said the nurse, “This hospital has never mixed up a baby in over 50 years. Why do you ask?”

“Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white.”

A man took his old clock to a German clock maker in NYC.
He tells the clock maker the clock will only tick.
The German looks at the clock and says:
“Ve haf vays of making you TOCK.”

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has
been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman
grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day
the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old green John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently
slides off, first, the right strap of his overalls, followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forward, and, in a classic
striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing
a frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you
doing, Billy Bob?”

“Jeez, Cletus, ya’ scared the crap outta’ me!” says Billy Bob. Then,
obviously embarrassed, he says, “Me and the old lady been having
trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested …

… I do something sexy to a tractor.”

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man’s strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, “Do you not remember the ancient legend, sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware.”

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.
The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion was …

… “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

(San Diego Chargers - NFL)

Sir Wilber was one of the lesser known Knights of the Round Table. But he was an accomplished furniture maker. His latest creation was a magnificent armoire which he had covered with pure silver plate. When the piece was all polished up, it shined like nothing anyone had ever seen.

The medieval hero was not ready to settle down, but Gracie, his girl, wanted to get married right away. She had become tired of waiting and decided to go to Wilber and pop the question herself. When Wilber saw the woman coming, he jumped into the armoire to hide.

Gracie entered Wilber’s quarters and looked around. She didn’t see anybody and turned to leave. Suddenly Wilber sneezed. Gracie ran to the armoire and flung the door open. There stood Wilber: He was trapped!

The next day, the castle newsletter’s headline proclaimed:

“Lady Gracie Finds Her Knight In Shining Armoire!”

An elderly woman was walking home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day. When she saw Nathan Hale’s Used Cars, she decided to stop and look at cars. As it happened, the owner himself approached her. He asked her what kind of car she wanted.

“Well,” she said, “I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.” The owner was quick to reply, “Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a few. What color would you like?”

The woman reached into her shopping bag and pulled out an ear of corn. She striped down the shucks and said, “I want this color.” Nathan replied, “Ma’am I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in that color. How about a nice blue one?” “No son,” she said, “I want this color.”

“But ma’am, they didn’t make that color! Maybe a cherry red one?” By this time, the old woman was mad and started throwing things at the owner. Another salesmen noticed the disruption and asked the secretary what was going on. The secretary replied, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn!”

*groan*

Prince Stone had an enormous moth collection. He had large moths, small moths-moths of all kinds. When King Stone decided to retire and pass his crown to the prince, he told the boy he must first dispose of the moth collection and find another hobby.

“Why is that, father?” inquired the prince.

“Because”, replied the old man, “A ruling Stone gathers no moths!”

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says,

‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn’t have to be paid.

One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.

“No problem,” replied Smitty, “I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!”

During the Revolutionary War, there were British sympathizers known as Tories among the colonists. Some of them would work hand-in-hand with the Redcoats to try to foil the battle plans of the Continental Army.

After a certain skirmish, a group of General Washington’s men tracked one of these sympathizers to a farm, which they searched for hours without success. A militiaman then came up with the idea to release a hen into a barn where they suspected the fugitive might be hiding.

Sure enough, loud cackling and commotion quickly ensued, and the soldiers were finally able to take their prisoner into custody. This was the first known instance where someone had a chicken catch a Tory.