Thread: B&Q Job Application

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
Submitted To B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy B***ard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least
One who Will co- operate)


DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
Applying in The first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style
Redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a c**p job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate
Environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you
Have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare
Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish
Super model with big t*ts and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced
Bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes, absolutely.