Thread: Quick Jokes

I lent my metal detector to my Irish neighbour last week.

He'd dug a hole 10 ft deep before he remembered he was wearing steel toecaps.

I work for the Samaritans, I keep ringing them up to resign but they keep talking me out of it.

My brother has teh heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Roses are red
Cacti are prickly

I got the wife a big dildo so she can keep herself happy when I'm away.

I arrived home today and asked how she got on.

She says it's not the best she's ever had, but it's right up there!

My local pet shop is giving away a parrot with no legs.
Absolutely free.
No perches necessary.

Bought mia noi a new fridge, should've seen her face light up when she opened it

An executive is in his office. His secretary walks in, tells him he has a visitor.
"Who is it?" he asks.
"The Invisible Man."
"Well, tell him I can't see him."

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

God told men that good and obedient women could be found in every corner of the earth.
Then He made the world round.
He laughed and laughed and laughed.

I just bought my Christmas tree.
The salesperson asked "Are you going to put it up yourself?"
I said "No, it's going in the sitting room like every year."

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K form the first time?



HDMI.

My wife just called me from work. She said that the other three women in her office all received big bouquets of flowers. They're absolutely gorgeous, she said. Well then, that's probably why they received the flowers, I said. Then she hung up.

How do you titillate an ocleot?








Oscillate its tits a lot.

I've invented a thought controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.

I have a pet termite. I called him Clint,
Clint Eatswood.

I buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them?

If you've never tried blindfolded archery then you don't know what you're missing!

I am surprised to find out that google has a sense of humour.
This is not edited