Thread: Quick Jokes

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions?

I do!

If ants took antacid would they hallucinate?

What happens if you delete your recycle bin?

If you pull the pin of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in?

Quick answers only, please!

After the expiration date of poison, is it more poisonous or less poisonous?

I told this bird "You remind me of my little toe". She said "Why, because I'm small and cute?".

I said "No, because I'll probably end up banging you on the sofa later".

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.

They've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

Viagra wont turn you into James Bond,
but it will make you Roger Moore.

Best joke of the Edinburgh Festival 2018

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

According to the Daily Mail Online masturbation may help prevent the common cold.




I hope so... I’ve got no tissues left.

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter....

Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair!

A giraffe's coffee would be cold time the time it reaches the bottom of its neck. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself!

When you are dead you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for those who know you.
It's the same when you are stupid.

^ & ^^ you owe me some screen cleaners.

Buy your own cleaner you cheap bastage

I don't know if this has been posted before and don't care, everyone deserves to start the day with a good chortle.


Tommy Cooper quickies:

1. Two blondes walk into a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. (Think he'd get away with that in today's looney tunes world?)

2. Phone answering machine message: "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it...'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two children yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Originally Posted by jabir

"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

Was Tommy Cooper around in the age of push-button phones and digital telephony?

What'd the man say when his dog fell off the cliff?


Dog gone

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Was Tommy Cooper around in the age of push-button phones and digital telephony?

Probably yes.

Google says: Tone dial phones introduced in the US November 1963, push-button phones tested in the UK in 1965, available in the early 70s, established by mid-70s and established by early 80s.

Tommy died 1984.