Thread: Quick Jokes

The young Thai footballers trapped in a flooded cave have been told they will need to learn to dive.

Once Brazil are knocked out of the world cup, they are going to send Neymar to teach them.

Originally Posted by toslti

The young Thai footballers trapped in a flooded cave have been told they will need to learn to dive.

Once Brazil are knocked out of the world cup, they are going to send Neymar to teach them.

That was quick.

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon.
History shows us that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after a fucking airport.

Air New Zealand has caused controversy by altering its in-flight menu to include a Vegan burger.

Personally I can't see what the fuss is about, as long as the Vegans are humanely killed.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon.
History shows us that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after a fucking airport.

Reminds me of the Red dwarf episode with Jeff Kay's assassination.

Walking down the road yesterday I saw a crash helmet fall out of a basket in the front of a passing motorbike and bounce along the road and thought; lucky his head wasnt in it he could have been seriously hurt.

Martin Baker walks into a bar.


He gets ejected from the premises.​

Originally Posted by toslti

Martin Baker walks into a bar.


He gets ejected from the premises.​

Martin Baker walks into a bar in Slough?

Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape.


Mind you she was a bit pissed off when I started to hold auditions for her part.

I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.

They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the ass crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.


Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.

Johnny got kicked out of maths class again.

The Teacher asked him what comes after 69.

Apparently "mouthwash" was the wrong answer

Procrastination: How to do 20 minutes of work in 8 hours, and 8 hours of work in 20 minutes.

A three legged dog walks into a bar and sez...'I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw'

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust : "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

It you get an email from the Hormel company, don't open it. It's probably spam.

I got a U2 special edition SatNav for my birthday.

It's shit.

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Some people get confused when a sentence doesn't end as they potato.

Fun Fact: The chances of you dying on the way to get your lottery tickets is greater than your chances of winning.

The wife has been missing for a week now and the police have said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

An old native american couple were being interviewed by the local news team, and the reporter asked the old bloke his name. "my name is Eagle Claw, and this is my wife, Four Ponies". The reporter was trying to impress the old woman so he turned to her and said "What a wonderful name, so evocative"

The old bloke leaned forward and said "That's her official name, but in reality its nag, nag, nag, nag...."

Paddy and Seamus have just sat down in a swanky French bistro when a very attractive Mademoiselle approaches their table......

"Bonsoir Monsieurs, what can I...err....interest you in tonight?"

"How about a quicky?" suggests Paddy

The visibly upset waitress throws a pitcher of Evian in Paddy's face, gives him a right hander and storms off through the swing doors into the kitchen.

"Paddy!" says Seamus " It's pronounced 'Quiche' you fokking eejit!"

lol...

Melania Trump tells Mike Pence, the vice-president, that she has bought her husband a parrot and that Donald has taught it 200 words. “I hope you realise,” Pence says, “that he just says the words. He doesn’t actually understand them.” “Oh I know that,” Melania replies. “And it’s the same for the parrot.”

Went into a bar and saw a fat woman dancing on a table. Said

"Beautiful strong legs"

She giggled and said

"You really think so"

I said

"Yea most tables would have collapsed by now"

Lucky the high heel shoe missed it could have done a lot of damage.