^ I'm glad I don't believe in either one. When I'm dead I'm just gone.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew sit on a bench.
The Englishman says: “I’m so tired and thirsty, I must have beer.”
The Frenchman says: “I’m zo tired and theersty, I must ’ave wine.”
The Jew says: “I’m so tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes.”
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
I just bumped into the Local Siamese Twins in the Village,
some one gave them a Man 'U' T-shirt, You will never walk alone..
wouldn't that be a Liverpool shirt?
Teenager to father
Dad do you and mum have any sexual relations?
Well yes son
Then why havent I met any of them ?
Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do.
When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5.
Turns out he's an odd job man.
A man spends the afternoon in a bar with his companion, a giraffe. They are drinking heavily. Eventually, the giraffe falls over and remains unconscious on the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and leaves.
The publican chases him down the street, saying 'Hey, you can't leave that lyin' in my bar!"
The man says 'It's not a lion, it's a giraffe.'
Man said to the psychiatrist - I keep dreaming that I'm making love to a packet of biscuits.
What sort of biscuits ?
Don't know what you call them, but they're square and keep breaking.
Oh, that's easy, you're fckuing crackers.
Lone Ranger was kidnapped by an Indian tribe
The big chief gave him 3 wishes before he was to be scalped.
Lone ranger whispers in Silver's ear and off he gallops
and comes back with a cute blonde. The chief is impressed.
2nd wish and L.R. whispers again into Silvers ear and the following night
comes back with a brunette for the Lone Ranger. The chief is truly impressed.
3rd and final wish the LR whispers again into Silver's ear.
Listen, a fkg possy not pussy.
I asked a lawyer how much did he charge .. he said "£100 for 3 questions"
I said "that's a bit expensive isn't it?"
He said "that's the going rate.. now what's your last question?"
There's a new charity supporting youngsters fleeing to the UK from the Calais jungle camps.
Please give whatever you can to Shave the Children!
Two Fish swim into a concrete wall.
Says one fish to the other, "Dam!"
Two fish in a tank,one said, you man the guns and i will drive.
A screwdiver walks into a bar. The bartender says; 'Hey,we have a drink named after you.". The screwdriver says; "You have a drink named, William ?"
This Christmas, don't forget to hate refugees as you set up the nativity scene of a Middle Eastern couple desperately looking for shelter.
Arthur Scargill walks in a bar.
The barman says "sorry, we don't serve minors".
A man walks into a bar and asks; "Do you have helicopter flavored chips here?". The bartender shakes his head,"No, just plain".
A termite walks into a bar and asks: Is the bartender here?
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one asks for a glass of H2O.
The second one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O too".
He died.
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