Thread: Quick Jokes

Scientists have been experimenting with injecting embryo's with Marmite.

A woman gave birth to twiglets

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired", "I'm washing my hair", "I've got a headache", I'm your sister-in-law.
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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

For her birthday, I treated my Mother in Law to a visit to the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussauds.

One of the attendents whispered to me "Please keep her moving, we're doing a stock take".

There was a Scottish bloke on the bus this morning, sat there listening to his Och Aye Pod

The mother in law said to me "When you die I'm going stand on your grave and piss on it".

I said "Good, I'm getting buried at sea".

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"

She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

God, I love my new Taser!

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

^, ^^, ^^^ and ^^^^

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

I've just found out I've won two tickets to the Euro Final, but it's on the same day as my wedding so I obviously can't go.

So if you fancy it, it's at St. Mary's Church in Chichester and the girl's name is Joanne.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

St. Mary's Church in Chichester and the girl's name is Joanne.

Now that is good news. As she signed an agreement that if she remarried my payments to her would stop.

Thanks

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat ?

The wheelchair.

I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia, but I quit because I was flogging a dead horse.

Originally Posted by toslti

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"

She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Oooo. Nasty.
Similarly, you have to be careful when and to whom you tell this one:
Nahh....I typed it, but it's just too sick.

A man gets home to find his girlfriend sitting on the bed crying with her bags packed.

He says "What's wrong with you?".

She says "I'm leaving you. I've just been told you're a paedophile".

He says "That's a big word for a nine year old".

You just thought that up harry.

funny shorts ffs.

Nah... it's an oldie... should go

An Arab comes home to find his wife crying.. he says my dear what is the matter.
She says the neighbor just told me you are a pedophile...

Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat ?

The wheelchair.

A bus full of paraplegics has been involved in a serious accident.
Police say it took 3 hours to cut the bus out of the wreckage.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

A man gets home to find his girlfriend sitting on the bed crying with her bags packed.

He says "What's wrong with you?".

She says "I'm leaving you. I've just been told you're a paedophile".

He says "That's a big word for a nine year old".

Another nasty one that I can't help laughing at even though the subject is very distasteful.....
OK, so this is the one I previously decided against as it's also very nasty...

Edit: Nope...just too disgusting. Shouldn't laugh at it.

Following the collapse of Meatloaf on stage, I went online to Google to find out his latest condition

All I got was recipes.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a none-too-bright chap listened intently to the instructor who told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The non-too-bright chap asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question," said the instructor. "When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, the none-too-bright chap asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

I was in Asda earlier today and the cashier asked the Polish couple in front if they wanted any help packing their bags.

I thought crikey, we only voted 2 days ago, give them a chance.