Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

I went to a new Indian restaurant last night and had beaver curry.
What was it like?
.......

Smelt like fish curry.

Top Tip.

Asthmatics, avoid going to places where the scenery is described as, breathtaking!

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers
NOW.

Saw a busker today playing ''Dancing Queen'' , on a Digeridoo
I thought, ''That's aboriginal!''

Brillian!

stolen from the late great Ronnie Corbett,

"We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame."

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.
Five minutes later he said "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said "Because we're still in Liverpool!"

Originally Posted by bobo746

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn't work.

so wrong... outa greens

Paddy was driving home pissed, and swerving all over the road to avoid the trees in his way.

Eventually the Garda pulled him over and said "Paddy, why you are driving all over the road?".

Paddy says "Because I'm having to keep missing the bloody trees".

The Garda says "Paddy, you stupid fecker, that's your Air Freshener".

^ not quick... or a joke which by definition would be funny. Fucking useless as usual.

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.

Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, ‘Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?’ To which the doctor responded, ‘To avoid criticism.’

Originally Posted by pseudolus

^ not quick... or a joke which by definition would be funny. Fucking useless as usual.

Yes, but you're a humourless retard and it wasn't aimed at you.

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

This woman came to my office to do a presentation on Sexual Harrassment in the Workplace.

When she'd finished, she said "has anyone got any questions"?

I said "What colour knickers are you wearing?".

^ You're in the shit now with your 'quick' joke!

The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, “I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” A nun in the back responds, “Thank God! I’m so tired of Zinfandel.”

Mom was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed.

This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him.

He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him, 'What should we do about this?'

Dad paused and said, 'Well, whatever you do, I don't think you should spank him.'

Originally Posted by charleyboy

^ You're in the shit now with your 'quick' joke!

You'd think think they'd know by now right.
Not to mention 'joke' usually means 'funny'.
Failed on two counts.
Red for you.

A man goes to a restaurant and is seated by an extremely hot waitress. When she asks him for his order he replies, "I'll have a quickie." The waitress storms off angry.

After she regains composure she comes back and asks him once again what he will have. He replies, "All I want is a quickie." She can't control herself this time so she slaps him.

A man sitting near him leans over and whispers, "Sir, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

Couple of good ones...

I bought a stick deodorant today.Instructions say 'remove cap and push up bottom'...

Guy goes into the butcher shop and asks for a kilo of pissholes.
"I beg your pardon?" says the butcher.
"Pissoles, pissoles" says the man frustratedly. "There in the window" pointing to the rissoles in the display.
The butcher immediately catches on and assumes the the leg on the R had fallen off, so smiles and says, "Oh, I see. Sir, that's "R" not "P".
"Ok, then give me a kilo of arse'oles

Best spoken, not read.