Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

^ actually he saw the reflection of lamps in the tram lines. So the invention is called cat's eyes but they were not involved in the invention.

In Aus. the could have been called crocodile eyes?

You're a proper barrel of laughs, aren't you?

^ I have my firkin moments!

Two hungover Irish dwarves knocked on the door of a convent.
Sheamus asks the nun who answered to speak to a dwarf nun.
"We have no dwarf nuns here" says the Sister.
"But you must have, and I need to speak with her" says Sheamus.
"No, definitely no dwarf nuns here".
"Please, I have to speak to a dwarf nun" pleads Sheamus desperately.
"I promise you there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the county" says Sister sternly.
At that, Paddy slaps Sheamus around the ears and says, "See, I told ye it was a penguin ye fucked".

A Sesna light aircraft crashed on a cemetry just south of Dublin the other night.

Rescue workers have already recovered the bodies of 6453 passengers

^ ...and one of them was called Miles from Dublin?

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Liverpool City Centre was cordoned off earlier today as police investigated a suspicious object seen in a car.
It turned out to be a tax disc.

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin. He orders a drink. As the bartender pours the drink he says, "Captain, forgive me, but do you wear that for fun?" The pirate replies "No, it's driving me nuts."

So what if I can't spell Armageddon? It isn't the end of the world!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I think I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse.

The doctor says "OK. Bend over please". He looks and says, "Yes, you have a strawberry stuck up your bottom, but you're in luck. I have some cream for it".

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
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I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
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The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.

Scrabble is all fun and games until someone loses an i.

Friend of mine just lost a game of Scrabble. Didn’t look good from the word go.

Back in ancient Rome, the coliseum is packed and the gladiators have finished fighting. A slave is led out into the centre of the arena and pinned face up spread eagled to the ground.
To cheers from the crowd a massive gong (like the one at the start of a Rank movie) is positioned between his legs and run repeatedly over his body whilst the onlookers sing......"We're rolling a gong on the breast of a slave"

^^^ Jokes are meant to be funny.

During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Leave your knickers on...Just stick out your tongue!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke crouching behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For a start, my name, address and telephone number

What do engineers use for birth control?
Their personality!

Booked a table for the wife's birthday next week, really surprised she is so delighted, I don't even know if she likes snooker !

I went to the doctors for my offshore medical yesterday, and I told him I may not pass my hearing test because of years of navy gunfire.
"Can you describe the symptoms?" said the doc,
"Well, Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has got blue hair!"

Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".