Thread: Quick Jokes

My granddad had the heart of a lion

and an exclusion order from the zoo

David Beckham gets into a taxi, "Heathrow please driver."

After a few minutes Becks spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror.

This happens continuously until they approach the airport when the drivers says, "Come on mate, give us a clue?"

Beckham replies, "I had a great career at Man United, Real Madrid and LA Galaxy and over 100 England caps."

The driver says, "No, you thick twat, which terminal?"

I wasn't planning on going for a run today but those fuking coppers came out of nowhere.

what do you call a female police officer with a shaven whatsit?


cuntstuble

Stop this hysteria, Putin has never sent the Russian troops to Crimea. Russian troops to Crimea were sent by Alexander Suvorov in 1778, and they have never left since then.

Name two “states,” where they destroy monuments, execute captured civilians and soldiers, and still get aid from the US. (Ukraine, ISIS)

Meanwhile in Israel:
– What’s going on in the Ukraine?
– The Ukraine is in war with Russia.
– No f..k! How is it going?
– Well, the Ukraine lost two million civilians, Crimean peninsula, several fighter jets, helicopters, thousands of military, hundreds of tanks, and artillery, and two provinces of about 7.5 million people are ready to re-unite with Russia.
– What about the Russians?
– You wouldn’t believe this, Bennie, but they never showed up for this war.

Using the mass of the ass
and the angle of the dangle
get the measure of the pleasure

Rabbi from Mukachevo died and went to see his Creator.
– Where were you born? – asks God.
– In Astro-Hungary, said Rabbi.
– Where did you go to heder (school)?
– In Czechoslovakia.
– Where did you get married?
– In Hungary.
– Where your first child was born?
– In the Third Reich
– Where were your grandkids born?
– In the USSR.
– And, where did you die?
– In Ukraine.
– My good Rabbi, – said God – You traveled a lot during your lifetime.
– Not at all, Rabbi responded. I never left my town.

Nikolay Starikov: “Today October 9, 2015 is he 255th anniversary of the Russian troops taking Berlin for the first time. In 1813 we took Berlin for the second time. In 1945 we took Berlin in the third time. Europe, enough already with wars on us.”

Name a business llike show business

Edward Scissorhands the Director's cut

OhOh, you're 0 for 6.

^Not sure if that is an honour or not.

This must be the worst page on here, by far, of the 128 so far!

Originally Posted by palexxxx

OhOh, you're 0 for 6.

Agreed, (is zero as low as we can go)

Originally Posted by Iceman123

Originally Posted by palexxxx

OhOh, you're 0 for 6.

Agreed, (is zero as low as we can go)

Indeed, there's a basic problem with Maths that OhOh has brilliantly highlighted here.

At 0 for 1, he was at 0% success.

At 0 for 2, he was still at 0% success despite being at least twice as guilty of crimes against humour.

At 0 for 6, he is still at 0% success say the maths folks, but clearly these persistent crimes against humour are becoming very serious by this stage and deserve a whole new classification framework...


Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? She worked it out with a pencil.

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.

When you are dead you don't know you are dead, it is difficult only for others.

Its the same when you are stupid.

AS Tommy Cooper once said, "That's scraping the bottom of the barrel"

Originally Posted by Ozcol

When you are dead you don't know you are dead, it is difficult only for others.

Its the same when you are stupid.

At last, you've got a winner.

Originally Posted by OhOh

^Not sure if that is an honour or not.

I'm afraid not.