Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier

Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

See, now that's a 'quick' joke.

Koojo!

Originally Posted by leemo

Koojo!

Hillarious.

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

Originally Posted by crepitas

What is the definition of "quick"....?

In this context? A joke that can be read out loud in no more than two breaths. Preferably one.

So your suicide joke was OK. TOSLTI Pygmy joke is just about OK, CNF55 Golf joke is OK

But your Pharmacy condom joke is a "normal" joke not quick. So would belong in the "jokes and funny stories thread"

Seeing as my joke was about pygmys I did look for the short joke thread; being unable to find it, I resorted to the quick joke option.

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by leemo

Koojo!

Hillarious.

No gareen?

Originally Posted by leemo

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by leemo

Koojo!

Hillarious.

No gareen?

Check your repo.

German prosecutors say they would accept an offer of $100m (£60m) from Formula 1 chief Bernie Ecclestone to end his trial on bribery charges.

(Actually true but still funny)

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by leemo

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by leemo

Koojo!

Hillarious.

No gareen?

Check your repo.

No gareen...

1. A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!

2. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!! Women, I just can't figure them out!

3. A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

4. Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

5. "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister-in-law."

6. Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

If this joke is too long, spare your feeble brain and ignore it !

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.

No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius?....I don't think so........It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your sister."

.................................................. ..........


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

.................................................. .........................


My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.

.................................................. ...........


I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.

Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.

The Gospel According to St. Titleist






1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. -- Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. -- John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. -- Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. -- Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. -- Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. -- Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness . -- William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. -- Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. – Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. -- Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. -- Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. -- Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. -- Pete Dye

14.. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! -- Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. -- Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. -- Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. -- Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. -- Harry Vardon -

19.. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. -- Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. -- Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. -- Anon

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. -- George Deukmejian

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. -- Lee Trevino

24. Reason they call it golf is because all the other four-letter words were taken. -- Woody Woodbury

25. The No.#1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it in the creek......

A pair of lesbians were walking down the sidewalk and passed an attractive blond who winked at one of them.
"Do you now her?" asked the first lesbian.
"Yeah, I fucked her once, she's hung like a doughnut".

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realise not every problem can be resolved with violence.

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Knock knock jokes ...... Completely wasted on the homeless.

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

FFS. Cliff Richard accused of sex crimes ,tell you what...
Any fookin' more and we'll be going to 'Strangeways' to watch this years Xmas Panto.

When I was a kid my mum and dad used to sit down stairs and listen to Cliff Richard.

The lousy bastsards could have come into my room and stopped him

"two Wongs don't make a right." (NZ politician Winston Peters on Chinese buying up of NZ farms)

New London to Birmingham rail link approved....

OOps a thousand words ?

^ I don't get it.

^ he is trying to link to a picture in his yahoo account.