Thread: Quick Jokes

Is this a repeat??

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

The other day I needed to go to A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
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When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.





It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...


Please Remember this only works in U.K.

3 bodys turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces. Cop asks coroner, 'Why R they all smiling?' Coroner says '1st guy died of heart attack shaggin his lover, hence his smile. 2nd guy won lottery, spent it on whisky & died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile. 3rd guy - Paddy from Dublin, struck by lightening!' Cop asks 'Why the fuck was he smiling?' Coroner replies, 'Thought he was havin his photo taken!'

Very good.

Originally Posted by crippen

The other day I needed to go to A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
.
When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.





It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...


Please Remember this only works in U.K.

Do like this one

Green on its way

I recently opened up a Health Clinic in Africa. However, the ungrateful fuckers closed it within an hour. I must admit, naming it "Spades With Aids" did upset a few of the locals!

AIDS - had it many times - clears up after a good nights sleep - Alcohol Induced Dizzy Spells !

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Little boy wandering around a shopping mall
Security man asks if he is lost
Little boy said yes - I am looking for my daddy
Security man said OK I will help you find him - what's does your daddy like ?
BIG TITS AND WHISKEY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

A man goes to confession and says: "Forgive me father for
I have sinned. Last night I made love
to twins, half my age,
in positions that I think are illegal."
The priest thinks for a few minutes and says: "Buy seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and then drink it"
"Will this cleanse me of my sin..?" asks the man.
"No" says the priest. "But it'll wipe that fuckin' smile off your face..!"

Isn't AIDS.
ANALLY
INJECTED
DEATH
SENTENCE

Got into America up the Hudson.
Rock Hudson, appaarently.

There are only three types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.

What's E.T short for?
because he only has little legs


Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"

whats a woman and a condom have in common
if their not on your dick thier in your wallet.

Originally Posted by Happyman

Little boy wandering around a shopping mall
Security man asks if he is lost
Little boy said yes - I am looking for my daddy
Security man said OK I will help you find him - what's does your daddy like ?
BIG TITS AND WHISKEY

Sigh. Go back and edit it to make sense please. (Clue: cut out the word "does").

Why is marriage like playing cards ?

Because at the start you have love and diamonds,

by the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"
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She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A Welshman gets washed up on a dersert island with just a sheep an a collie dog for company. After a few days the Welshman starts to feel a little frisky an starts eyeing up the sheep. The collie dogs instincts kick in an won't let him anywhere near the sheep. The following morning, to his delight, a beautiful young girl is washed ashore; "you've saved my life" says the Welshman, "can you take the dog for a walk?"

My mrs brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as ur cock when ur thinking about me naked!"
I said "Go on then, pour me a glass....."

Got stopped in the street today by a woman with a clipboard asking "what grooming products I use?"
You should have seen her face when I said " Facebook, Haribo sweets and puppies"

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them!

Little Johnny was running up and down the aisle of the plane
making an awful racket and disturbing all the passengers and
cabin crew. Everything was tried to pacify the boy but nothing
worked, including pleading to his indifferent parents.

The captain was finally summoned whereupon he took little
Johnny to the back toilet.

Five minutes later he emerged leaving Johnny in the toilet.
He returned to the cockpit where quiet remained in the cabin
for the rest of the flight. Only when the seat belt sign was
switched on for landing was Johnny told to come out of the
toilet.

The purser was amazed, and after landing she asked the captain
what did he do to shut little Johnny up.
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"I taught him how to play with himself."

I've booked a table for valentines. The Mrs will be pissed off, she's shit at snooker.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me.