Thread: Quick Jokes

Q. What do Tehran and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.
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Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.
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Q. What's the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
A. Suppressing the erection.

A girl writes to a problem page: Dear Diedre, I'm a 13 year old Irish traveller and still a virgin...............do you think my brothers are gay?

What do you call a group of Irish men?


Thicket.

mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his willy in between 2 biscuits! "what are you doing?" she asks. "I'm fucking crackers" he says

I will be using that one in the bar during my three months of the year in Pattaya, Daveboy. Thanks, I will be there just after Christmas.

3 men die on Christmas Eve. To get into heaven St. Peter says, "You must have something on you that represents Christmas." The Englishman flicks on his lighter & says it's a candle. St. Peter lets him pass. Welshman pulls out a set of keys, jingles them & says they are bells. St. Peter lets him pass. The Irishman pulls out his 10 inch cock & St. Peter says, "How the fuck does that represent Christmas?! Paddy says, "It's a fucking cracker isn't it!"

Paddy is on his way home , he sees his bus at its stop but,despite running like hell , he just misses it and it pull outs , paddy takes chase ;
same thing happens at the next stop
and the next , and soon he finds hes at his stop, outside his house
he rushes in and triumphantly slams some coins on the table
paddy crows - '' i just chased the bus home and saved 20 Baht !''
''well done !'' says his wife '' why don't you chase a taxi HOME tommorow night , you can save 200 Baht''

Misses is pissing me off again!!! Last night while she was asleep I swapped her tampax for a party popper!!! No sense of humor at all....

St Peter was guarding the gates of heaven when along came 3 guys.

"Sorry guys, heaven pretty full these days so you've gotta have a bloody good excuse to get in." he says

The first guy says. "Well, I was watering my roof garden and I like to do it naked with the fresh breeze and all, and I was watering away when I slipped and fell over the edge."

"And thats it?" Said st Peter

"No no, luckily I grabbed onto the balcony below. Next thing you know a guy is bashing my fingers until I couldn't hold on any more and I fell to the ground."

"And then you died?" Said St Peter

"No, I couldn't believe it, I survived. Next thing though a bloody fridge comes off the balcony, hitting me in the face and killing me."

"You poor bastard come in." Said Peter

The next man says "Well I came home early to find my wife naked in bed and all out of breath. I ran to the window and the fucker was hanging off the balcony, so I smashed his hands with a shoe until he fell but the kunt still wasn't dead so I threw the fridge of the balcony."

"So how did you die?" Said St Peter

"Heart attack, the stress of the whole thing killed me."

"Come in then." Said Peter. "And how about you, how did you die?" Peter said to the 3rd man

"Well, I was freezing my bollocks off in this fridge....."

Thank you The Fresh Prince these are some good ones for in the bar during my three months of the year in Pattaya.

No problem, I thought I'd tell one a bit longer than a 'quick joke' with you in mind. If you speak really slowly it might just last 3 months.

Originally Posted by Bingo wings

Thank you The Fresh Prince these are some good ones for in the bar during my three months of the year in Pattaya.

that should be great...when are you coming?

I will be in Pattaya just after Christmas, DrAndy. Are you in Pattaya? Maybe we can meet for a few Whiskeys during my three months of the year in paradise.

Just bought a dog from the blacksmith. Only had him two minutes and he's already made a bolt for the door!

I had a wooden horse. It wooden shit...

So I bought a steel horse. It steel wooden shit...

A teacher goes around class asking the kids what they need at home.
1st kid : A computer , teacher replies well that would be useful .
The 2nd kid says a car and gets the same reply.
Finally she asks Billy who answers "At my house we don't need anything"
The teacher asks him to think carefully as everyone needs something.
Billy replies "No I'm sure , when my sister started going out with an Abbo our Dad said well that's all we fuckin' need."

Guy who thinks he's turning into a moth goes to see his doctor

"Doc, I feel like I'm becoming a moth" he says

Doc: "Well why come to me? - you know there is an excellent psychiatrist not five minutes from here"

"Yeah I would have gone to him, but I was passing by and your light was on"

Dr rings the husband of a patient & says your wife' s here & I'm afraid there's been a mix up with her tests results so we don't know if she's got Alzheimer or Aids. The man says what the fuck am I supposed to do? The Dr says I'm going to put her on the wrong bus, if she finds her way home don't fuck her!

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

WOMEN'S LONELY HEARTS ADS
What they really mean:

ADVENTUROUS = Slut
ATHLETIC = No tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying
WILD = Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a fucking nutter
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic
CURVY = Fat cnut
CUDDLY = Fat cnut
LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat cnut
LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat cnut!

Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of old Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous.She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
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Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
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Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.