Thread: Quick Jokes

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with a Herb Doctor living nearby who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband made an appointment and saw the Doctor.
The Herb Doctor gave him a herbal potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, this is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the Doctor and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the herbs from working?"*
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the herbs will not work again until the next full moon."*
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3! Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 'for' ?
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Nice one

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

Ched Evans rumoured to be in talks with Pompey. 'If that happens I'm done with football, the thought of it makes me feel sick to the stomach. It's disgusting' said Evans.

Originally Posted by palexxxx

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

555 lovely idea

One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out

'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

'I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That'shttp://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/11034196/funny-jokes.html?frame=2686338 the one thing I'm so indebted to her for.'
WC Fields (1880-1946)

'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

"You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained... I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction... I can get all that at home." - Peter Cook (1937-1995)

Originally Posted by david44

'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

One Lesbian frog says to another "You know it's true, we do taste like chicken".

To show we're shoulder-to-shoulder the French, the Brits hold a rally in Trafalgar Square.

It's good to know that irony isn't dead.

Whilst strolling round the harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.

A Jewish girl calls her mother "Mum I'm getting a divorce"
"Why" the mother asks shocked.
"Mum " all he wants is bum sex.
I used to have a lovely little bum hole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece.

The mother says "Darling" you have a lovely home,a Porsche, platinum credit card,a villa in Marbella, kids in private school
and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for 45p.

The company boss got out of his huge new BMW on the factory car park.

One of his apprentices said, "Great motor boss!"

The boss said: "Well son if you work harder, be punctual, put in more hours, work evenings and weekends and take fewer holidays.......... I'll be getting an even better one next year!"

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Look what I've created...And to think some were offended...A wonderful beast, indeed...

It's the Buffalo Drivers we have to fear...

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning. The man getting served in front of me asked for a mocha.
"Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."
The guy was fuming. "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" he raged. "I'll just have to have a latte!" He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please."
They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.