Thread: Quick Jokes

Butters

Originally Posted by charleyboy

If innuendos were made illegal, I'd definitely be going down.

Is innuendo an Italian suppositry ?

What about the one and only Claude who gives a van damme.

A massive spider walked into my living room and blew itself up, must have been a Jihadi Long Legs..

Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

A massive spider walked into my living room and blew itself up, must have been a Jihadi Long Legs..

Have a look at post 2293. You don't have to look too far, it's only on this page.

Apparently there has been a dispute in a city in the USA regarding Ebola at the local library.

People protesting with posters saying "No to Librarians as they have Ebola"...........

Library Manager said he was tempted to explain that Librarians are not from Liberia but then said Why Bother....

After much research into what turns people homosexual, scientists have come to the conclusion that it's down to they way they get reared..

^^ That reminds me of a true story : At the height of one of the first pedophile scares in the UK, some people actually protested at the residence of a pediatrician.

My mate had a tshirt printed "I'm the sexy in dyslexia"

Originally Posted by Latindancer

^^ That reminds me of a true story : At the height of one of the first pedophile scares in the UK, some people actually protested at the residence of a pediatrician.

No, they didn't.


A tale told too much - the paediatrician vigilantes | Press Gazette

How can you tell if your girlfriends horny?


When you put your hands down her pants it feels like you are feeding a horse..

Have you tried the new Beaver curry?

Just like a normal curry, but just a little bit otter.

I said to my wife, "Wife, how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ,eh?"

My wife replied ,"Because you are never there, eh !"

-------------------------------------------------

Man to his friend: "I'll make sure that my wife never has another orgasm without me !"

Friend replies : "Well how are you going to arrange that ?"

Man: "Easily...I removed the batteries."

My mate Jacko went to the doctors and said, "Dr my Mrs can't stop sucking her thumb, it's a compulsion she does it every waking hour. What can I do about it"

"Paint a picture of your dick on it, that should nip it in the bud."

I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and the lady on the other end asked where i'm ringing from:

From the waist down

I shot my first turkey today--- scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.

^
Reminds me of the problem I had with my first wife back in England. Try tightening the valve cover screws, maybe some are loose. If everything seems ok then you may need to get a new gasket.

I spent three weeks pushing a pan scrubber in the baby’s face. I want him to get used to kissing his grandmother.

I got home last night, the wife was in the kitchen. I knew she was getting my tea ready – I could hear the fire extinguisher going.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying she’s a rotten cook but when I bought her a hi-speed gas stove all I got was my toast burned in half the time.

When my mother-in-law stands in the nude she looks like a wall of whitewash. She’s so fat she had to lose weight to model maternity frocks.

She’s the only woman I know who eats piranha fish – live.

She never stops talking – she’s got a fan belt fitted to her tongue.

I’m not saying my mother didn’t like me but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

When my mother-in-law smiled it looked like a crack across a septic tank.

Dad didn’t like me. In fact, the night I was kidnapped by gypsies, it was Father who drove the caravan for them.

I’ve had some bad news about the wife’s wealthy uncle who’s ill in hospital. He’s recovering. I went to see him last week. I said: “Is there anything I can do for you?” He said: “Only one thing. Take your foot off the oxygen tube.”

My mother wanted me to be brought up at Eton. My father said: “He looks as if he’s been eaten and brought up.”

My grandfather made money out of the slave trade – he sold my grandmother.

My little lad was saying his prayers last night. Halfway through them he shouted at the top of his voice: “And please God send me a big red fire engine, price £2, from Johnson’s Toy Shop!” I said: “There’s no need to shout, son. God isn’t deaf.’ He said: “I know, but Mother is.”

When I was a lad my teeth stuck out so much Mother rented me out as a till.

Our house was so cold we put the milk in the fridge to stop it freezing.

There was an old farmer from Greece / Who did terrible things to his geese / But he went too far with a [at]budgerigar / And the parrot phoned the police.

I call my wife “Treasure.” She reminds me of something that’s just been dug up.


I said to the chemist: “Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?” He said: “Why?” I said: “She keeps waking up.”

My wife said: “Will you love me when I’m old and baggy?” I said: “Why worry about tomorrow?”

The only decent thing we had in our house was cheap air conditioning – until some fool killed the bat.

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

She’s so cross-eyed that when she cries tears run down her back.

Thank you for that sparse ripple of enthusiasm when I came on. I’m grateful because last week at the El Tropicana Club in Goole, the silence that greeted my act was so intense that the mere shifting of a wine gum from one tooth to another reverberated like a musket volley.

I can’t manage. I’m so far behind with the mortgage repayments that the arrears are written in Latin.

I was in my local pub the other night. It’s called The Dumb Fortnight because the beer’s too weak for words. I said to the landlord: “This beer’s flat, warm and full of sediment.” He said: “You’re lucky. You’ve only got a pint of it. I’ve got a bloody cellar-full.”

There was a big fire at our local income tax office last night but they put the blaze out before any serious good was done.

I’m still so poor, if I wrote a blank cheque it would bounce.

People often ask me: “What’s the difference between a northern audience and a southern audience?” Frankly, as far as I’m concerned there’s no difference – they don’t laugh at me in the south either.

My dear wife swallowed a pocket watch

‘Twas only the other day

And now she’s taking Epsom Salts

To pass the time away.

My Great Aunt Margaret, just before she passed away at the ripe old age of 98, beckoned me to her side and whispered: “Nephew, if you ever fail to get a laugh as a comedian I’ll turn over in my grave.”

I attended a seance in Birmingham recently. The medium went into a deep trance and said: “I don’t know who it’s for, but I’m getting a very strange message from somebody called Spinning Margaret...”

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I’ve never seen eye to eye with the mother-in-law – not surprising, she’s well over six foot

Confidence


















Marine pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.






The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"






No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."






The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"






The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."






The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"






The pilot says, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."






The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"






The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."






And that my friends ... is Confidence.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:








It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society, who also happened to be a Greens senator, pointed to first drawing and said:



"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.



The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."



Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.



The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. “

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,



"Idiots.....Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!

I was playing Scrabble with my wife last night and I'm sure she was making up words.

What the fuck is 'Foreplay' meant to mean anyway?

The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

David44's joke reminded me of this one:


I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a stranger sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden.

Suddenly, my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

Donna, my lovely wife said, "Mike, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've seen", I said.

"That bastard next door still has my f--cking shovel!"

A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.


"Well, what should I do?" asked the man.


"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."


Taking the advice, he took a s wing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.


The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."


"What can I do?" asked the wife.


"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood."


The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and,


THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.


"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.


"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."