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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #201
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    i can't concentrate that long.

  2. #202
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    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
    Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
    .................................................. .................................................. ........

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
    this taste funny to you?"
    .................................................. .................................................. ........
    Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
    A: Christopher Walken.

  3. #203
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    Q: What's the best part about an ethiopian blowjob?
    A: You know she's gunna swallow.
    .................................................. ...............................................

    Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
    A: Canoes tip.
    .................................................. ...............................................

    Q: What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?
    A: Niger nigger nigger.

  4. #204
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    There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

    The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets ondat plane."

    "Why you gonna wear dem fo?", the other two asked.

    The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonnafind me first."

    The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties."

    "Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

    The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

    The third old lady says,
    "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties" . . .

    "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

    The third lady says,

    Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first."

  5. #205
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    Wills and Kate were having a picnic in the Windsor grounds when a red transit screeched up and demande they hand over all their money and riches.
    "Give us the keys to the fucking 4x4 aswell you posh twat" they shouted.
    Once they had sped off Wills was distraught..."My mothers ring"he sobbed
    With this Kate pulled her knickers to one side and plucked Dianas engagment ring from inside her pussy.
    "Brilliant" William exclaimed
    "Yes" Kate replied
    "And what a shame Fergie wasn't with us otherwise we'd still have the fucking Land Rover"

  6. #206
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    Two gay sperm were ejaculated and in the rush to find the egg one mentioned to the other "How the hell are we gonna find an egg in all this shit?"

  7. #207
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    A woman has been admitted to hospital with a hoover nozzle stuck up her fanny. Although she's in intensive care, doctors say she is picking up nicely.

  8. #208
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    I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

    "Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry ."

    Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel

  9. #209
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    I've found Christmas time is the perfect get-out clause for almost being caught watching Porn

    "WAIT, DON'T COME IN!"
    "Why not!"
    "I'm, erm, wrapping your present!"

    I now owe my wife over 50 presents.

  10. #210
    Have you got any cheese Thetyim's Avatar
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    There was a knock on the door last night, a man said "I've come to collect the first payment on the double glazing you had installed 6 months ago"
    I said you can fcuk right off
    He said"sorry?" I said, you told me that it would pay for itself in 6 months

  11. #211
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    Love Poems - Something to stir your partner

    1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.

    2. I see your face when I'm dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

    3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you're not.

    4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss;
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

    5. I thought that I could love no other,
    --that is until I met your brother.


    6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet & so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty...and so is your head.



    7. I want to feel your sweet embrace:
    But don't take the paper bag off of your face.

    8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies.

    9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe, "Go to hell".


    10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime

  12. #212
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    Tampax have just announced they will be replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsil.












    This will be just for the christmas period...

  13. #213
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    A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

    She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

    Later that night, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year!

  14. #214
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    Little boy asks dad, "What's between mum's legs?"
    Father answers, "Paradise, my son."
    Kid asks again "What's between your legs?" Father replies, "The key to paradise!"
    The son looks condcerned and says, "Piece of advice dad, change the lock, that twat next door's got a spare key!"

  15. #215
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    There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

    "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

    "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

  16. #216
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    A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

    "So", says the farmer. How many sheep were there”“

    40, replies the dog.

    “How can there be 40?“ exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”

    “I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  17. #217
    Newbie Kracken's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

  18. #218
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    This ice-cold weather is fuckin hilarious!
    Right now, I'm outside the mental hospital watching the staff trying to free fifty tongues from the windows,is that you third from the left mate?

  19. #219
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    More money is spent on boob jobs & viagra than on alzeimer's research!
    By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

  20. #220
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    2 birds got pissed in the pub & took a shortcut home thru' the cemetary . They both got caught short needing a piss so took 1 behind a couple of headstones . Neither having any bogroll , the 1st one used her knickers & the 2nd one used a wreath .
    Next night 2 blokes in the pub havin' a chat ,
    > " don't know what the fkn missus was up to last night but she rolled home pissed not wearing any knickers "

    > you think that's bad , mine came home with a card shoved up har arse saying
    " Thanks for the memories , all the lads from the fire station"

  21. #221
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    A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
    "Are all of those kids yours?"

    He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

  22. #222
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    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

    'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

  23. #223
    Newbie Kracken's Avatar
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    Thieves broke into the police station and stole all of the toilets last night. The detectives have nothing to go on.

  24. #224
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    A lady walks in to the Police Staion in Adelaide and the desk Sergeant asks if he can help her.


    ' Yes', she said, 'I'd like to report a case of sexual assault'

    'Where did it happen' asks the Sergeant

    'In the park, just down the road' replies the woman

    'Can you describe what happened?' says the Sergeant

    'Yes.i was walking along the footpath near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,pulled down my underwear and had his way with me'

    'Can you give me a description of the man' asks the Sergeant


    'Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and was wearing 2 long white pads from his feet up to his knees' replies the woman

    'Sounds to me he might have been a cricketer, probably a batsman', says the Sergeant

    'Yes', says the lady,'he was an Australian batsman'

    'That's very observant, did you work that out from his accent?' says the Sergeant.

    'No' the lady replied, ' I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long'

  25. #225
    Fresh Seaman CaptainNemo's Avatar
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    A man gets home from working a night shift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex.

    He climbs under the bottom of the blanket; gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy 'til she quivers and cums all over his face.

    He giggles, mops the juicy admixture from his chin; slips back out under the blanket and skulks off to the bathroom, chuckling to himself.

    He opens the door, and sees his wife there shaving her legs.

    "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!?!", he yells...

    "Shhh!!!", she replies... you'll wake your mother...!".
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuRY1skaH4M

    we are all figments of our own imagination.

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