Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by charleyboy

^ Harry told it better!

It's the way I tell 'em.

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time.


I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of
drug use.


I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the
small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.


Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people!

How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like
this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before
prison ....

Paddy '' Seamus, I did a very naughty thing last night, I threw a brick through a window of this shop and made off with a load of valuable pictures''

Seamus '' That's very naughty Paddy but how do you know they are valuable?''

Paddy '' Well take a look at this one Seamus, it's priced at £180,000

Seamus '' You daft bugger Paddy, you stole them from an Estate Agents''

jees a good irish joke,, cheers. .

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.

"You lying toad," she yells" Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot."

"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

Some flood jokes:


My wife always said she wanted to see what Venice looked like.
So this weekend I'm taking her to Somerset.


Officials say the hosepipe ban has been reinstated in the Somerset area.
"We've got enough fucking problems already, without them adding to it" said a spokesman


During his recent visit to Somerset Prince Charles was touched to learn how much ordinary people living there had in common with his own family. They were all slightly retarded, indulged in incest and enjoyed shooting the odd poacher and trespasser.


After seeing the poor people of Somerset stranded because of the recent floods, I decided to go down there in my boat and sing them some songs. Those ungrateful bastards didn't appreciate my rendition of "Up on the Roof" by the Drifters nor my reworking of the old Madness song "Our House: In the Middle of our Stream"

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple
A. Your grip !

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral
a voice from the inside screams
" I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out !"

The vicar smiles , leans forward sucking air through his teeth,
and mutters
" Too fooking late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

Hypertrichosis is an abnormal amount of hair growth over the body; extensive cases of hypertrichosis have informally been called werewolf syndrome, because the appearance is similar to the werewolf. This awful affliction is ruining the lives of many children across South America.

For just £3, we can help them turn their lives around. Act now.

Yours thankfully...

Shave The Children

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

I came home one night and proudly announced to me Dad that I had S E X for the first time.
He said "I hope you took precautions?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Did you wear a condom?"
“Nah, but I kept me balaclava on.”

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.


The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."


The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.


The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.


One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."


The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.


"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."


"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q..
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

"Comeback line"


Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Sh&* ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S A$$ OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.

The next day the local paper headline read:

“BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A$$”..

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN!!

The Bishop fainted ….

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.

So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

“NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10”.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey, and take it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's a$$ and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day and laugh

Jokes about white sugar are rare.

But jokes about brown sugar - demerara.

Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby decide to have a quiz, and split into two teams. Fred is the quizmaster.
Velma and Daphne are in one team, Shaggy and Scooby in the other.
Fred said 'Okay, Daph and Velma, Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals?'
Scooby said 'Rhino!'
Fred replied 'I know you do, Scooby, but wait your turn.'

A man received message from his neighbour:


"Sorry sir, I am using your wife... day and night... when you are not present at home.... In fact - more than you;
I confess because now I feel very much guilty...

Hope you will accept my sincere apologies".


... And the man shot his wife.......


A few minutes later he received another message :


"Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wi fi. Not wife".

I was a bit concerned that my wife had developed Tourette's Syndrome, so I took her to a psychiatrist.

The Good News: She doesn't have it!

The Bad News: She does think I'm a c u n t and she does want me to fuck off.

Originally Posted by charleyboy

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

good one. green on its way.

Paddy walked into a Florist yesterday and said "It's Valentine's Day, I need some fecking flowers!".

The Florist said "Certainly sir, what it is exactly that you're after?".

"A shag".



rat-a-tat-*ching*