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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #176
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dug View Post
    nidhog. You need to get some original (and funny ) material.
    Bite me.

  2. #177
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    Just when you think you knew all the text abrieviations possible, then there's these:

    (_!_) regular arse

    (__!__) fat arse

    (!) tight arse

    (_*_) sore arse

    (_o_) well used arse

    (_e=mc2_) smart arse

    and my personal favourite,

    (_x_) kiss my arse!

  3. #178
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    like it Dave

  4. #179
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    Kate goes to the Queen and says 'Every time I suck Williams knob I get acid indigestion'.The Queen replies 'Have you tried Andrews?'

  5. #180
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    A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
    They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
    Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
    The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
    appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
    The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
    "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
    The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.
    He just walked in.

  6. #181
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    ?........

  7. #182
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    George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there -each one being worked on by a different barber- not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear that it would turn into politics.

    As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying "No thanks. My wife Michelle will smell that and think that I've been in a whorehouse."

    The second barber turned to Bush and said "How about your sir?". Bush replied "Go ahead. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

  8. #183
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    A gypo girl is about to get married. Her mum says, "Emerald, you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?" The daughter replies, "Shut up Ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his Transit van in the sink?"

  9. #184
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    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco.

    The husband picks up a carton of Fosters Beer and puts it in their trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' she asks.

    'They're on sale, only 10 for 24 cans’ he replies.

    'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

    A few aisles later the woman picks up a 20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

    'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

    'So does 24 cans of Fosters,' the husband retorts, 'and it's half the price.'

  10. #185
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    At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

    "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

    "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

    "Si, Senor, that's the one."

    "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

    "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

    "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

    "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

    "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

    "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

    "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

    "Are you insane? What water cart?"

    "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

    "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

    "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

    "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

    "Yes, Senor Rod."

    "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

    "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

    "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

    "Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


    SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.


    "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
    Well, luckily I didn't have any tortoises on me at the time...

  11. #186
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    What are the three reasons why anal sex is better then vaginal sex?
    A: It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women.

  12. #187
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    roy the poofta goes into the doctors office and has some tests done.the doctor comes back and says roy i'm not going to beat around the bush.you have aids.roy is devastated doc what can i do? eat 1 curry sausage,1 head of cabbage,20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,10 jalapeno peppers,40 walnuts & 40 peanuts,and top it of with a litre of prune juice.roy asks bewildered will that cure me doc? doc says no but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.
    Last edited by bobo746; 24-11-2010 at 03:26 AM.

  13. #188
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    A few minutes before the church services started, the
    > congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
    > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
    >
    >
    > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
    > trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
    > incarnate.
    >
    > Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
    > calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
    > God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
    >
    > So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
    >
    > The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
    >
    > 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
    >
    > 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
    >
    > 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
    >
    > 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
    >
    > 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
    > eternity?' persisted Satan.
    >
    > 'Yep,' was the calm reply.
    >
    > 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
    >
    > ' Nope,' said the old man
    >
    > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of
    > me?'
    > The man calmly replied,
    >
    > 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

  14. #189
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    I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
    I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.
    Just tell me what's wrong and I'llcheck it out."
    I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."

  15. #190
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    Telephone rings at night...

    Husband:
    "If its for me then say that I am not at home."

    Wife answers:
    "He is at home."

    Husband:
    "What the hell...??"

    Wife:
    ''It was for me'

  16. #191
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    THE POPE VISITS EAST ANGLIA


    The Pope vists East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help."
    The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
    Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
    The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
    Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
    The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
    Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
    The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.

    The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
    A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
    The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."

  17. #192
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    A professor at Edinburgh University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands.

    Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

    That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.

    Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

    That's fantastic. Now let me ask, have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

    The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You must come up here and tell us about your experience.'

    Ahmed replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

    When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

    Ahmed smacked his forehead, "Oh shit, from back there I thought you said goats."

  18. #193
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    Thats ironic Crippen ,, the poor ol bugger passed away yesterday ,,,,,,,,,,, Bernard Matthews that is not the other old bugger

  19. #194
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    Quote Originally Posted by nigelandjan View Post
    Thats ironic Crippen ,, the poor ol bugger passed away yesterday ,,,,,,,,,,, Bernard Matthews that is not the other old bugger
    Presumably that is why the joke surfaced.

  20. #195
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    The United States Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

    They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body..

    The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

    He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

    He walked Out with $96,000..


    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'Fromthe tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.

    But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

    The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

    The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

    ''Where are your testicles?''


    The old Chief calmly replied,

    '' Vietnam''.

  21. #196
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    Stammmmmmer
    A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

    Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate s*x with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?

    "The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
    "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

    That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

    How about you, Paddy ?

    The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

    Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy s*x, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
    "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

  22. #197
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    Tuesday Pun:

    A Desert Love Story

    Once upon a time there was once a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.

    He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

    As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps. They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

    Naturally, they decided on ...

    .
    ... 'Humphrey'.
    A Deplorable Bitter Clinger

  23. #198
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    I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.
    Peter Jones said "And what's your idea?"
    I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the fucking bag

  24. #199
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    Most people contract some form of food poisoning at least once a year. Most of the time the symptoms are mild, and can even be mistaken for a 24 hour flu bug. Other times, the symptoms are similar to one having a very bad case of the flu, but rarely do people ever need to go to the hospital for food poisoning.

    Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.

    We hadn't been going out for that long, only about a month. Even though we'd only been going out for a short time, we were having sex since the second date, and it was the best, freakiest, porno-style sex of my life. Seriously, this was the kind of sex that every man, deep down, dreams about having at least once in his life. It was the kind of sex that I had wished for ever since my voice started changing. It was with this woman, and only with this woman, that I was ever addressed with the phrase, Use your whole fist for Christ's sake.

    On one now infamous going out night, we were enjoying a romantic dinner at an upmarket seafood restaurant. Through the entire meal, however, sex was all that was on our minds. In retrospect, every date we ever went on seemed to just be a temporary diversion from the best part of the night, which involved animalistic insertions, feral lickings and brazen misuse of food products. We emptied wine bottle after wine bottle over the course of the dinner, and by the time the main course arrived, fish for her and lobster for me, she slipped off her shoes and casually masturbated me under the table with her stocking covered feet. Completely plastered and horny by the end of the meal, we decided to skip dessert in the restaurant because a much sweeter dessert was being prepared in her hot, wet crotch, she said. I paid the bill and narrowly avoided getting a speeding ticket, not to mention a DR10, during the drive back to my place.

    By the time we got into my flat, we were tearing each other's clothes off. Sloppy in our drunkenness, we knocked over two lamps during our horny, groping journey into the bedroom. Once in the bed, she got down on all fours, arched her back, and presented her delicious arse to me. I grunted my approval while aiming my rock-hard cock missile at her hairy silo. When the head of my cock began to penetrate her lips, she stopped me.

    No. In my arse, she hissed at me, sounding both horny and angry at the same time.
    Are you sure, I asked?
    She giggled as she said, If I could handle last night. . .
    Oh yeah, I thought. Last night's adventure involved a clown mask, three lines of coke, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower. What the hell was I thinking? Of course she could handle some anal-action. She reached between her legs and began lubing up her arsehole with her own pussy juices. Where did I find this girl? I thought. I was in horn-dog heaven. Blessed. Not being an expert in anal intrusion, I slowly eased my way into her lovely chocolate starfish. First the head, then a quarter of the shaft, and soon I was buried to the hilt between her arse-cheeks.

    Go slowly, she said, half moaning, half panting in both pleasure and pain, I think. I did as she bid, and very slowly began pulling out, like a steam piston on an old locomotive beginning its first run in a century. Almost all the way out of her, but keeping the head firmly planted in her arse-iris, I slowly began inserting again.

    Yeeeeees! she moaned and began fiddling her clit. Soon she said, faster. So faster I went, the tempo increasing until the train was running at full speed, the piston pumping in and out so fast my cock became a complete blur, her hand rubbing her clit like she was trying to start a friction-fire on her pussy.

    Gnnnnnnnah! she screamed. Thinking she was close to orgasm, I pumped that arse even faster, faster than Amish meth-head churns butter.
    Gnnnnnahstoooop, she screamed, or something like this, because the noise in my head was drowning out the reality around me, for in my head I heard a steam locomotive, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-Woo-Woo! Barreling down the tracks, and somehow I pumped even faster.
    YES! I screamed.
    She started reaching behind her and flailing on the bed in what I thought was ecstasy
    Stop! she screamed, able to finally get out the word I had mistaken for groans of ecstasy moments ago. She screamed this with such volume and guttural, primal force that it had the effect of pulling the emergency brake on a 100,000 pound locomotive running at full speed. The sex act squealed to a halt, and I pulled my cock out of her arse like the rip-cord on a parachute. Did someone order champagne? No, that popping noise was my cock coming out of her arse.
    Arrrrrrgh! She screamed, as I yanked my cock free. And then it happened.
    Immediately after my cock popped out, I was sprayed from belly to thighs with watery, fish-smelling diarrhea.
    What the fuck I said, not able to get the word fuck out of my mouth because of my shock at the brown funk lining my body. As she sprayed me, she seemed to be propelled forward by the force of the jet-propelled diarrhea, and she collapsed onto her stomach.
    Oh. My. Fucking. God. I murmured, completely shell-shocked. Everything was still. I could hear my wind-up alarm clock ticking on my chester draws. I stared at my shit-covered body. I surveyed the room to see if there was any collateral damage. The trajectory of the diarrhea spray was similar to buck-shot in a sawed-off shotgun; it was everywhere. Unfortunately, during the sex act she had been facing the feet-side of the bed, which meant that the headboard, my bedside table and lamp had fecal matter on them as well. Even my bedside clock had a few speckles staining its face. The bed sheets: KIA. A total loss.

    I looked at this girl, lying there motionless. I called her name. No response. I called her name while shaking her a bit. Nothing. Fear shot through me, as I thought, what the fuck, what if she's dead? But this fear quickly dissipated when I heard her snoring. She was passed out from the wine. I on the other hand was no longer blasted drunk, because the blast from her arse rendered me completely sober. This night was definitely going down in the (ahem) annals as the all time worst date of my life. In fact, I had to invent a new special category, Even the Devil would feel sympathetic, to describe this night.

    I cleaned up. I cleaned her up. I cleaned the headboard, the dresser, the lamp and the clock. With some manipulation of her passed out body, I was able to wrangle the sheets from the bed and throw them down the garbage chute. By two in the morning, I found myself lying on my couch, drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle. I don't remember passing out myself, but I can say that unconsciousness didn't come soon enough.

    It was food poisoning, her voicemail message explained to me the next day. After some silence, she added, The fish. More silence. Sorry. She left this message the following day, around 2:00 p.m. I had slept until Noon, and, thank God, she was gone when I woke up. How do you face that? She never called me again. I never called her. I definitely learned two valuable lessons that night: 1) Never have anal sex after a sea food dinner. 2) Be careful what you wish for. There's only one other experience in my life that entered into the Even the Devil would feel sympathetic category, and frankly I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell that story. Let's just say that the morning after a great one-night-stand, the beautiful woman you banged the night before can certainly use your bathroom. . .but she shouldn't be more comfortable standing up while she pees.
    Last edited by hopskimoet; 01-12-2010 at 07:21 AM.
    .

  25. #200
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    QUICK jokes.

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