Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by Dug

nidhog. You need to get some original (and funny ) material.

Bite me.

Just when you think you knew all the text abrieviations possible, then there's these:

(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) well used arse

(_e=mc2_) smart arse

and my personal favourite,

(_x_) kiss my arse!

like it Dave

Kate goes to the Queen and says 'Every time I suck Williams knob I get acid indigestion'.The Queen replies 'Have you tried Andrews?'

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.
He just walked in.

?........

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there -each one being worked on by a different barber- not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying "No thanks. My wife Michelle will smell that and think that I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said "How about your sir?". Bush replied "Go ahead. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

A gypo girl is about to get married. Her mum says, "Emerald, you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?" The daughter replies, "Shut up Ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his Transit van in the sink?"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco.

The husband picks up a carton of Fosters Beer and puts it in their trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' she asks.

'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans’ he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

'So does 24 cans of Fosters,' the husband retorts, 'and it's half the price.'

What are the three reasons why anal sex is better then vaginal sex?
A: It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women.

A few minutes before the church services started, the
> congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
> Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>
>
> Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
> trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
> incarnate.
>
> Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
> calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
> God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
>
> So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
>
> The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
>
> 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
>
> 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
>
> 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
>
> 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
>
> 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
> eternity?' persisted Satan.
>
> 'Yep,' was the calm reply.
>
> 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
>
> ' Nope,' said the old man
>
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of
> me?'
> The man calmly replied,
>
> 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'llcheck it out."

I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."

Husband:
"If its for me then say that I am not at home."

Wife answers:
"He is at home."

Husband:
"What the hell...??"

Wife:
''It was for me'

THE POPE VISITS EAST ANGLIA


The Pope vists East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help."
The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.

The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."

A professor at Edinburgh University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask, have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You must come up here and tell us about your experience.'

Ahmed replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed smacked his forehead, "Oh shit, from back there I thought you said goats."

Thats ironic Crippen ,, the poor ol bugger passed away yesterday ,,,,,,,,,,, Bernard Matthews that is not the other old bugger

Originally Posted by nigelandjan

Thats ironic Crippen ,, the poor ol bugger passed away yesterday ,,,,,,,,,,, Bernard Matthews that is not the other old bugger

Presumably that is why the joke surfaced.

The United States Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body..

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked Out with $96,000..


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'Fromthe tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''


The old Chief calmly replied,

'' Vietnam''.

Stammmmmmer
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate s*x with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?

"The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy s*x, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.
Peter Jones said "And what's your idea?"
I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the fucking bag

QUICK jokes.