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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #151
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    I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.



    The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?


    Apparently, the answer is Fiji.

  2. #152
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    A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."



    The girl behind the counter said, "No, it's just normal porn, you sick prick"

  3. #153
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    A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



    Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer thatit might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'



    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.



    The husband says, 'Good Grief ! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it !'



    He never heard the shot.



    Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

  4. #154
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    Vet School _____________________________________
    First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

    They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

    'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

    The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

    'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

    'The second most important quality is observation.'

    'I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

    'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'




  5. #155
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    Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit,"Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"She turns to her boyfriend and says,"You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies,"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said,'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

  6. #156
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    I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said,"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

  7. #157
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    Chinese guy walks into a bar.The bartender is black.Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, nigger!"The black guy is shocked, but gives him a shot.The Chinese guy does the same thing again.The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.The Chinese guy says it again.The black guy is royally pissed now.He yells,"You get back here! I'm going to do the same thing to you and you can see how it feels." The black guy storms out and the Chinese guy gets behind the bar.The black guy walks in and yells,"Gimmie a drink, chink!" The Chinese guys says, "Sorry. We don't serve niggers here!"

  8. #158
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    A beautiful young thing goes to see a psychotherapist.
    "Take off your clothes and lie on the couch", he instructed.
    He then jumped on the couch with her and ravished her.
    When he finished, he put his clothes on and said, "Well, that's my problem solved - what's yours?"

  9. #159
    I am not a cat
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    The blonde patient pleaded with her psychiatrist. "Kiss me! Please, kiss me!"
    "No", said the psychiatrist, "that's unethical Miss. I shouldn't even be screwing you."

  10. #160
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    A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
    The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"
    .................................................. .................................................. ........................................
    There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

    The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

    "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

    "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
    .................................................. .................................................. ...........
    How many men does it take to open a beer?

    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


  11. #161
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    I went to the doctors today, complaining of strange voices coming from my pants!
    The Doc said "Ignore them, they're just talking bollocks"

  12. #162
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    A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.

    The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

  13. #163
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    Recently off Ko Kret a small lapdog fell in the Chao Praya and was at risk of being washed away.
    A German tourist jumped in to save the dog.
    Bringing the dog back to the pier he handed the dog to the owner saying "Your dog will be fine"
    "How do you know that are you a vet"
    "Vet? I'm f**kig soaked"
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  14. #164
    Molecular Mixup
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    what do you call an irate Egypian driver ?




    Tootumcarman

    ^ was told to ''get a grip' for getting a belly laugh at this newspaper joke earlier today....

  15. #165
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    A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
    The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
    The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
    The Rabbi, surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
    "I'm telling you," the man pleads, "I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
    The Rabbi offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
    A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
    The man said yes.
    The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

  16. #166
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    my grandmother caught me having a wank, she had a stroke gee she's got soft hands.

  17. #167
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    A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

    The Cow: I give 12 gallon of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

    The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!


































    Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

  18. #168
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    A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."

    "So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

    "Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

    "I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

    "You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

  19. #169
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    A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

    However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."

    This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said,




    "... but they probably weren't veterinarians"

  20. #170
    Knows fok all
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    Kate Middleton. The first thing to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

  21. #171
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    What do you call an Indian mechanic?

    Pindunajeep

  22. #172
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    What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?








    Choked

  23. #173
    I am not a cat
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    As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
    To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

  24. #174
    En route
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    nidhog. You need to get some original (and funny ) material.

  25. #175
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    A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

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