Thread: Quick Jokes

The missus winked at me and said "let's play Doctors and Nurses".

So I put her on a trolley in the hall and didn't speak to her for two days.

Just been thinking as I get older I only really need three shops, Dolland & Aitcheson Opticians, Boots and Greggs. That's right my life now is specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

Originally Posted by Joe 90

Just been thinking as I get older I only really need three shops, Dolland & Aitcheson Opticians, Boots and Greggs. That's right my life now is specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

What about the reduced section in Morrisons?

I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin then a clarinet and then a piano...

I think it's an orchestrated attack!

When I was sent to jail, I was pinned down to a table and viciously fucked up the arse.

I thought to myself "Uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit seriously".

Just read that statistics show that the average couple has sex 89 times a year. Looks like I am in for a wild 5 days......

When I went bald I kept my comb. I just can't part with it.

I said to my boss, "I think I deserve a payrise, I've got three companies after me".

He said "Can you name them?"

I said "The water, the gas and the electric".

Son: “I was awarded the ‘Leslie Nielsen badge’ at school today”
Dad: “What's that?”
Son: “It's a big building full of pupils and teachers, but that's not important right now.”

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.
His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

The missus said to me "You make love like a painter".

I said "What, like Leonardo Da Vinci? Smooth strokes and attention to detail resulting in a masterpiece?".

She said "No, like the council. You rush the job, leave a fucking mess and I have to finish it myself".

I met this bloke in a pub who claimed he was a huge pop star in the '80s.

I didn't believe him, but he was adamant.

A bra, a pair of spectacles, and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar.

The bra says,"3 beers thanks bartender."

The barman replies," F*ck off mate, I'm not serving your type here. "

"What do you mean," asks the bra.

And the bartender says,"Well mate, you're off your tits, that bloke is off his face, and your other mate looks like he's about to start something!"

Not quick, but.....

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishing."

The missus said to me "You know, if I ever got Alzheimers, I'd kill myself rather than burden you with me".

I said "That's the fifth time you've told me that today".

Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million sicillion people.

That's the biggest number I've ever heard.