My wife said we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective.
"Great idea," I said. "We can cover more ground that way."
My wife said we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective.
"Great idea," I said. "We can cover more ground that way."
“Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
“Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”
“Thanks Dad”
“You're welcome Alan”
Heartless thieves broke into my Grandad’s corner shop yesterday evening.. they took 12 cases of Red Bull and 14 boxes of Pro Plus.. How do these people sleep at night?
My missus said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers, I would kill myself rather than be a burden to you".
I said "That's the fifth time you've said that to me today".
Went to an Eskimo restaurant for lunch. The waiter said today we have whale meat, whale meat, or the daily special "Vera Lynn". What's the "Vera Lynn" I asked. Whale meat again he said.
An anti-vaxxer goes to heaven and asks God if vaccines are safe. Yes replies God, they are perfectly safe. Wow says the anti-vaxxer, this conspiracy runs even deeper than I thought!
I said to the missus "I had a really filthy dream last night".
She said "Was I in it?".
I said "Yes, you were fantastic!"..
"Oh, what did I do?" she beamed.
I said "You set me up with your younger sister".
I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with for not giving me a blow job, like "I'm tired", "I've got a headache", "Who are you and what are you doing in my house".
I was going to cook some alligator, then I realised I only have a croc-pot.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Does everyone want beer". The first and second logicians each say "I don't know", and then the third answers "Yes".
What do you call a bloke with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?---------
Bob.
I said to the missus I wanted to try out some flavoured condoms to spice up our sex life.
She said "This one tastes like cheese and onion".
I said "I haven't put it on yet".
You can't spell advertisements without putting semen between the tits.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Last edited by harrybarracuda; 02-10-2021 at 12:54 PM.
What is yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard.
Knock ! Knock ! Who's there ? Euripides. Euripides who? Euripides these knickers and you'll fucking pay for them.
So a pedophile, domestic abuser and felon walk into a bar.... Kyle Rittenhouse says : "SHOTS ARE ON ME"
Cockney Santa went to the doctor.
Yeah, he was in poor elf.
With Xmas parties happening never trust a bloke wearing a neck chain and a bracelet,
He is going to want to fuck or fight you.
I order this book called "How to Scam People Online".
It's been two months now, and it still hasn't arrived.
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