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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #5001
    Thailand Expat
    Shutree's Avatar
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    Accidentally drank invisible ink . Am now in hospital waiting to be seen.

  2. #5002
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Dear Tag Heuer, I'm quite sure not to need a watch anymore if I end up under 50m of water.

  3. #5003
    Thailand Expat YourDaddy's Avatar
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  4. #5004
    Thailand Expat lom's Avatar
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    I hate when the toilet roll is empty and I have to go get a new one with the trousers down my knees.
    Luckily I am not far away from Walmarts now

  5. #5005
    Thailand Expat lom's Avatar
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    When I was young you could walk into the grocery store
    with 1 pound and come out with an icecream, some candy
    and a big bottle of lemonade.
    Nowadays they have cameras everywhere..

  6. #5006
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered?

  7. #5007
    Thailand Expat
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  8. #5008
    I am not a cat
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    Quote Originally Posted by jabir View Post
    What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered?
    Electric eels were discovered by western science after the discovery of electricity.

    What amazonian tribes and others called them, who knows.

  9. #5009
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    Mailman delivering mail at Christmas knocks on a door,
    Blond lady opens the door, invites him in . fucks him and afterwards gives him a dollar.
    Lady says the mailman . thank you very much for the fuck, but why the dollar?
    Well said the blond, I was talking with my husband last night and I ask him
    " Honey the mailman will be coming tomorrow and I want o give him something for Christmas
    what should I give him? and he said " " Fuck him !! give him a dollar"
    Last edited by Buckaroo Banzai; 14-01-2021 at 11:12 PM.
    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

  10. #5010
    Thailand Expat deeks's Avatar
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    A mate asked, R u getting any on the side mate? I said, Its been so long that I didn't know they moved it.

  11. #5011
    Thailand Expat deeks's Avatar
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    Cyrill was in the kitchen cleaning up the mess on the floor, I asked "Did you spill the milk" He said "No, just farted".

  12. #5012
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

    I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

    "Yes", she replied.

    "Okay, I fucked your sister."

  13. #5013
    I am not a cat
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    Im going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. Shes particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon. Gary Delaney

  14. #5014
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    News reporters everywhere hoping a Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch Covid-19 variant doesn't emerge.

  15. #5015
    I am not a cat
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    A pair of Scottish ones:

    The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, "Is that a scone, or a meringue?"


    The waiter replies: "Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone."
    ...........................................

    "Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!" - Frankie Boyle

  16. #5016
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    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg View Post
    Electric eels were discovered by western science after the discovery of electricity.

    What amazonian tribes and others called them, who knows.
    As they are not an eel maybe a fish !!

  17. #5017
    I am not a cat
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fondles View Post
    As they are not an eel maybe a fish !!
    Indeed. I believe they are classed as a knifefish.

  18. #5018
    The Bestest Expat Plan B's Avatar
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    1 in 3 people are cheaters.

    Right now, I'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

  19. #5019
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    This fat bird came up to me in a club and asked me for my phone number.
    I said "Do you have a pen?".
    "Yes" she said.
    I said "Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing".

  20. #5020
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    What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

    Answer: A pick pocket snatches your watch and a peeping tom watches your snatch.

  21. #5021
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Knock knock . . .
    Who’s there?
    Alzheimer’s.
    Alzheimer’s who?
    Knock knock . . .

  22. #5022
    Thailand Expat
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    I never lend out my garden herbs, I don't like to see people living on borrowed thyme.

  23. #5023
    Elite Mumbler
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    ^
    Sage advice.

  24. #5024
    I am not a cat
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    We just found out Grandad is addicted to Viagra.

    Grandma is taking it hard.

  25. #5025
    The Bestest Expat Plan B's Avatar
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    The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

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