Thread: Quick Jokes

I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving. I said, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn you clock back!?

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh.. equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"

A survey has shown that 33% of women are abused by their partners or spouses.
The same survey has shown that 33% of women cant learn just to shut the fuck up.

Well, that gym membership didn't last long. First day there, I'm bending over and spot a hole in my trainer, it was big enough to push my finger inside.
She's made a formal complaint, and now I'm banned!

It Started with a Bumper Sticker

The Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over pick-up truck owner Mike Murray for weapons check because of an NRA bumper sticker.

When the officer approached the vehicle, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and concealed carry permit (CCP).

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said, "Mr. Murray, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, "Yes I do. I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at Mike and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes. I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 in the trunk."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Murray, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?"

Mike locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a fucking thing!!!"

A man comes home from work and finds his wife blow drying her pussy. He asks her what she's doing and she replies "warming up your fucking dinner!"

Husband comes home with some flowers. Wife says "Now I have to open my legs don't I? "
Husband says "What.. don't we have a vase??"

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way..

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Whats best about shagging Twenty - Eight year olds?
There is Twenty of them!

Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, £20?"

I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two £10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

Curiosities: Humor in Uniform

BBC News - British expat dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Pattaya.

Fuck me, how high was that balcony!?

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this guy at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

Was banging this chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back,

I really should have gotten out of there – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

I was looking for that fucking thingy that peels the carrots and the potatoes so I asked the kids had they seen it.

Apparently she left yesterday.

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand?Show me!"So the Pope backhanded her.

And the latest news from Greece is that they have suspended production of hummus and taramasalata.

Yes folks, it's a double dip recession....

Just had some bad news from a mate his thai wifes breast cancer has spread to her testicles.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! That's no good, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight'. Wife says, 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

Originally Posted by yaangcome

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! That's no good, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight'. Wife says, 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

fixed

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraidof the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . .

a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until thetests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.".........