Page 199 of 199 FirstFirst ... 99149189191192193194195196197198199
Results 4,951 to 4,971 of 4971

Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #4951
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    11,036
    Breaking: A gang has been caught making counterfeit Kipling Bakewell tarts. Police say they're exceedingly good fakes.

  2. #4952
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    11,036
    If I got 50p for every time I failed in maths, I'd have £3.30 now.

  3. #4953
    Member
    Shutree's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:10 AM
    Location
    One heartbeat away from eternity
    Posts
    392
    So, it seems we were all wrong in 2015 when we answered the question "Where do you expect to be in 5 years' time?"

  4. #4954
    Thailand Expat
    happynz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Last Online
    Today @ 03:10 PM
    Location
    on the corner of dusty and dustier
    Posts
    9,900
    Spacing is important.
    Quick Jokes-screenshot_20200524-073806-jpg

  5. #4955
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    11,036

  6. #4956
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    11,036
    What happened to Gandhi, he only made one film!

  7. #4957
    Member
    Ukan Kizmiaz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Last Online
    07-08-2020 @ 05:10 PM
    Posts
    908
    I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, "Wow! That could have been me!"
    Then I remembered I canít drive a bus
    Last edited by Ukan Kizmiaz; 29-05-2020 at 07:44 PM.

  8. #4958
    Thailand Expat lom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Last Online
    Today @ 04:23 PM
    Location
    Trapped in an old mans body
    Posts
    9,386
    Morty: Hey Saul there's this new restaurant.
    Saul: What about it?
    Morty: For 10 bucks you get a beer, a sandwich, and you get laid!
    Saul: Have you ever been there?
    Morty: No, but my sister has.

  9. #4959
    Thailand Expat
    Mendip's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Last Online
    Today @ 01:22 PM
    Location
    Korat
    Posts
    2,972
    What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?


    A can't opener!

  10. #4960
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    11,036
    My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings:

    1. Murderer
    2. Police telling me everyone is dead
    3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

  11. #4961
    Thailand Expat
    reddog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 09:12 AM
    Posts
    1,268
    A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on cliffhangers.
    The librarian says.

  12. #4962
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    67,657
    The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast



    honouring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

  13. #4963
    Thailand Expat lom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Last Online
    Today @ 04:23 PM
    Location
    Trapped in an old mans body
    Posts
    9,386
    She: I've been unfaithful
    He: Me too
    She: He he, April 1
    He: November 5

  14. #4964
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    67,657
    I heard the B&Q were reopening after lockdown, but I thought it might be a bit busy, so I phoned them up and asked "How big is the queue?".

    They said "The same size as the B".

  15. #4965
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    67,657
    Facetube reminded me this joke is eight years old. So in case you missed it:

    Rolf Harris was in Tesco when a little old woman asked "Are you that bloke who did Two Little Boys in the 70's?". "No" he replied, "that was Gary Glitter".

  16. #4966
    Member
    Ukan Kizmiaz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Last Online
    07-08-2020 @ 05:10 PM
    Posts
    908
    A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
    One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
    So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
    Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.


    Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
    He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

    He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
    The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

  17. #4967
    Thailand Expat
    reddog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 09:12 AM
    Posts
    1,268
    You know you are getting old when you pass a Priest then a Imam in the street and neither looks at you.

  18. #4968
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    11,036
    At a wedding in Glasgow I commented in a whisper to the guy next to me, "Blimey the bride's an ugly dog!"

    "Do you mind, that's my daughter you're talking about."

    Sorry mate, I didn't know you were her father.

    "I'm not, I'm her fcuking ma!"

  19. #4969
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    11,036

  20. #4970
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Last Online
    @
    Posts
    11,036
    Remember, in English, Read rhymes with Lead, but Read rhymes with Lead.

  21. #4971
    Member
    Shutree's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Last Online
    Yesterday @ 10:10 AM
    Location
    One heartbeat away from eternity
    Posts
    392
    I applied for a job with a sunscreen company.
    I didn't get it though, they said I hadn't covered things well enough.
    They suggested I reapply.

Page 199 of 199 FirstFirst ... 99149189191192193194195196197198199

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •