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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #4926
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Update on the guy that was shot nearly 200 times with an upholstery gun: Surgeons say he's fully re-covered.

  2. #4927
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    DO NOT TOUCH

    Must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

  3. #4928
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Took the dog for a walk this morning and it slipped it's lead and ran off. I searched for ages but eventually went home and told the wife. Look harder, she screamed, so I shaved my head and got some tatts but I still can't find it.

  4. #4929
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    My wife divorced me, she said I'm too gullible, can't wait to see her face when I tell her I won £16m in the Nigerian Lottery.

  5. #4930
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Bloke sat next to me on the train, pulled out a photo of his wife and said she's beautiful isn't she? I said if you think she's beautiful you should see my girlfriend mate! He said why, is she a stunner? I said no she's an optician!

  6. #4931
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Got a job as a bell ringer, didn't do much on the first day, they just showed me the ropes.

  7. #4932
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I was watching Peppa Pig this morning and the wife just walks in and turns off the TV. How childish is that!

  8. #4933
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Knocked me for six when my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with cricket!

  9. #4934
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Imagine of Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing!

  10. #4935
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I went to donate blood the other day, won't be going again they ask too many questions, "Whose blood is it?" "Where did you get it from?" "Why is it in a bucket?"

  11. #4936
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb?

    Too

  12. #4937
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I saw a book yesterday, 'How to solve half of your problems', so I bought two.

  13. #4938
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    When it was announced that all of the football has been suspended because of this pesky virus, I decided to talk to the wife.

    She seems nice.

  14. #4939
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    An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...
    and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

    My wife left me because I am insecure...







    No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

    I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
    Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

  15. #4940
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    Ukan Kizmiaz's Avatar
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    I wanted to kiss my wife, but with this whole Corona thing,
    instead I just elbowed her in the face.


    Just came back from holiday in Thailand....
    .......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


    Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

  16. #4941
    Bag of shite
    Chittychangchang's Avatar
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    We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place last night (I won't name them yet in case it goes to court) got it home placed it on kitchen work top and as I was getting plates , I heard the bags rustling and moving!! WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was so scared as bag was moving around I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the floor broom in one hand and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
    And there it was ...

    ... A Peeking Duck!!!

  17. #4942
    Member Bettyboo's Avatar
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    The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

    The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist.

    The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming!

    The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
    How do I post these pictures???

  18. #4943
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    True or not, long anecdote shortened, Stalin was busy at his desk, couldn't find his glasses, calls Boris at KGB and orders him to find out who stole them, an hour later he finds his glasses after shuffling some papers, calls to tell Boris the emergency is over whereupon Boris protests, 'but Sir, three people have already confessed!'

  19. #4944
    Bag of shite
    Chittychangchang's Avatar
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    Just lost my job as a dermatologist.
    Iíve been handed my E45...

  20. #4945
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I have a St George's flag at my front gate, borrowed it from a neighbour, former French soldier, all I had to do was paint a red cross on it.

  21. #4946
    Member Bettyboo's Avatar
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    Update on the Chinese guy that was shot 19 times with an upholstery gun: Surgeons say he's fully re-Covid.

  22. #4947
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    Ukan Kizmiaz's Avatar
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    I volunteered to help blind kids from ages 1 to 14
    Oh and “blind” was a verb

  23. #4948
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a Man U top for two weeks, to see how people react. So far he has been spat at, punched, kicked and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

  24. #4949
    I am no longer a Hostage

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    Another good one

  25. #4950
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I've invented a new word: Plagiarism
    Anyone else invented a new word?
    No.
    I thought so!

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