Quick Jokes

**OhOh** · 30-09-2019, 09:58 PM

ust wandered past our cocktail bar there and it reminded me how I met my wife. Trying to impress by downing a shot of flaming Sambucca. Boom, whole moustache caught fire. I told her she looked far prettier without it, and that was it.

Apologies to all the planespotters who came to see a USAF Stealth Bomber land today and it didn’t. Or did it?

There’s an amazing amount of spray being spread by a Flybe turboprop here! Unfortunately it’s Gavin Spray from maintenance. Playing music in his headphones and walked backwards into the blades. Tragic.

Travelling with your family? Why not upgrade and travel in luxury? For a small fee, we’ll put them all on another flight.

Dusk has hit the airport fast here tonight! Unfortunately it was Bobby Dusk from maintenance. Got his braces tangled in the wheels of a 767 before it took off. Apologies for the dent in the terminal roof. Tragic.

Ryanair Air are introducing a new Club Class. They’ve issued baseball bats to Flight Attendants.

Canapé - /ˈkanəpeɪ/ 1. A type of hors d'œuvre in our 1st Class restaurant. 2. The reason we threw a Glaswegian out the same restaurant.

**OhOh** · 30-09-2019, 10:03 PM

Birthday today for Kenny in Bomb Disposal! Never been so bored watching someone open presents.

**harrybarracuda** · 02-10-2019, 09:25 PM

My missus asked me, if she was ever to let me have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently I was only supposed to give her one name, not two.

**Cujo** · 03-10-2019, 05:31 AM

YDs new Tinder girlfriend says cock size isn't important.
He still wishes she didn't have one at all though.

**Cujo** · 03-10-2019, 05:39 AM

I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and dogs and people clap and cheer.

I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

**Latindancer** · 03-10-2019, 11:51 AM

"Quick Jokes".....not horror.

**nidhogg** · 03-10-2019, 03:04 PM

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

**Saint Willy** · 03-10-2019, 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by nidhogg

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

**Ukan Kizmiaz** · 03-10-2019, 08:21 PM

why do (hong kong) riot police like to get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds...

**Luigi** · 14-10-2019, 08:39 AM

Asked my mate what it's like living in China.

He said he can't complain.

**nidhogg** · 14-10-2019, 01:36 PM

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

**Bettyboo** · 14-10-2019, 04:05 PM

^ ceiling, Shirley?

Regarding the 2019 Rugby World Cup: There was an Englishman, an Irishman...

(wait til next week, the "joke" gets shorter...

)

**jabir** · 20-10-2019, 07:19 PM

Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells, "Free drinks for everyone, who's buying?"

**Bettyboo** · 20-10-2019, 07:21 PM

Have you heard the one about the 2019 rugby WC? There's an Englishman...

**jabir** · 08-11-2019, 08:51 AM

Tampax have announced they will be replacing the string this year with tinsel, but only for the Christmas period.

**jabir** · 08-11-2019, 08:54 AM

Last night I picked up two beauts at an agogo, they promised me it would be like winning the lottery; and it was, we had 6 matching balls.

**jabir** · 08-11-2019, 08:55 AM

Congratulations to my friend Debbie on her third job promotion in a month, I don't know how you do it.

**jabir** · 08-11-2019, 09:08 AM

BREAKING NEWS - Police in Brixton earlier today pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed MOT tested and insured. It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober. He had a full licence and no points. A Met spokesman said they fined him £100 for wasting police time.

**Saint Willy** · 08-11-2019, 06:08 PM

Originally Posted by jabir

Congratulations to my friend Debbie on her third job promotion in a month, I don't know how you do it.

**Neverna** · 23-11-2019, 11:51 PM

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.

**Chittychangchang** · 28-11-2019, 12:33 AM

Black Friday news!!!
Two Man Utd fans fighting over a TV and an armchair

**harrybarracuda** · 28-11-2019, 03:01 PM

The missus was trying to arouse me last night by sliding a lollipop in and out of her snatch and licking it seductively.

I said "Steady on love, you need that to get the kids across the road tomorrow".

**OhOh** · 28-11-2019, 10:13 PM

^Plagiarist.

**harrybarracuda** · 30-11-2019, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by OhOh

^Plagiarist.

Have you ever invented a joke, you dumb shit?

**jabir** · 08-12-2019, 10:28 AM

Thread: Quick Jokes

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