Thread: Quick Jokes

My wife said I should grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything with 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

Q: How do you milk a sheep?

A: Put an Apple logo on your products.

My wife was trying to be sexy last night, she lay on the bed sucking a lollipop, then she started slowly sliding it in and out of her pussy, I said 'Steady love, you'll need that to see the kids across the road in the morning.'

My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line, I nearly shit her pants!

Ten Catholic priests are killed in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ok, if any of you are paedophiles, go to hell." Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Aye, and take the deaf fucker with you!"

My new girlfriend said I have to wait six months before she'll suck my cock. I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call then.

I thought I heard my next door neighbour's shagging last night, there was lots of moaning and banging on the floor and wall, it turns out her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to attract my attention with her stick. I feel really guilty about that wank now!

While the wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do.
Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for just £3.99.

The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Russell, the Aussie gay, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, 'Russell, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

Russell is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'

'Eat 1 curry sausage,
1 head of Cabbage,
20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno Peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box Of All Bran,
And top it off with a litre of prune juice..'

Russell asks bewildered, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for.'

The John wayne loo roll its long and tough as grit and dont take no shit from no injun

Why don't chinky kids believe in Santa Claus?


Because they make all the toys.

A scruffy bum,a Russian spy, a racist and a Hamas supporter walked into a bar.
The Barman said "What will it be Mr Corbyn".

I've been having a major problem with nuisance calls lately.

The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!".

Does anyone know the actor who played Forest Gump?
T.hanks

My missus asked me if she was the only one I'd been with.

I said "Yeah, all the rest were at least sevens or eights".

Last night I asked my ex-wife to get back together.

She rejected the offer, because she thinks that I'm just after my money.

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."
"Awww dad, what makes you say that?" I asked.
"She smells of elephant shit."

I remember I'd been dating this girl for a while and it was starting to get serious so
decided it was time to take her home to meet the family.

Wife hit the fucken roof.

I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”


I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”


“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

Slapped the missus playfully on the ass , "into the bedroom with you babe," I said.
" oh you cheeky devil" she said,
"no seriously" I replied, "into the bedroom, the footy's about to start"

The kids said they wanted a cat for xmas,
We usually have a turkey,but what ever floats their boat,i'm happy to oblige.

The mrs said "if you turn off the lamp you can give it to me up the ass".
Guess I should've waited for the light bulb to cool.

The other day a fortune teller told me I would come into money.
Last night I fucked a sheila named Penny.

The wife said "I shaved my pussy tonight darling, you know what that means".
I said, "Yes, the drains blocked again".

As a special surprise I gave my wife an orgasm for her birthday.
Ungrateful bitch just went ahead and spat it out.

A study reports that 70% of the population is stupid. I'm obviously with the other 40%.

I said to the wife, "Why dont you ever tell me when you have an orgasm"?
She said, "I dont like to disturb you at work".

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss".



I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.