Thread: Quick Jokes

They say "not to kick people when they are down"
I reply that's the best time when they are foot height!!

Two guys standing on the Brooklyn Bridge taking a leak.
First guy says 'man, that water's cold.'
Second, 'yeah, deep too'.

^ 555 The old ones are the best. I can recall that from over 20 years ago, maybe 25 or 30.

Cat puns freak meowt.

Seriously, I'm not kitten.

I think my fear of moving stairs is escalating!

Two Thai girls are in an elevator.


A man gets in the elevator and they’re both checking him out. He gets off at the next floor.


1st Thai: He looked good but he had some serious dandruff.


2nd Thai: yeah, somebody should really give him some Head & Shoulders.


1st Thai: good idea, but how do you give shoulders?

When people tell me “You’ll regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

My missus has taken a sudden liking to doing it doggy style.

I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take pla

Q: Why won't blondes take their iPhones to the bathroom? A: Because they don't want to give away their IP address!

Aussie Radio Helpline


Radio - "G'day mate, Aussie Helpline. What's the problem cobber?"

Caller - "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila, she's been stung on the fanny by a wasp and now her pussy has completely closed up."

Radio - "Bummer mate!"

Caller - "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

I went to the vets the other day and said "Please help, I think my daughters hamster is in trouble!" The vet said "Don't be silly, that's a snake."

I saw this kid sitting on the street in rags the other day. I said to him "Are you an orphan?".

He said "Yes, what gave me away?".

I said "Your parents for a start".

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!..................



Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

When I heard they discovered a cure for dyslexia that was music to my arse.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...




You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

I went to the library today. I said to the librarian "Have you got any books on Paranoia?".

She said "They're right behind you".

My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he mumbled "Fucking shitty Lid!" My wife immediately looked at me and said "I wonder where he got that from!" I said "The fucking fridge you silly [at][at][at][at]!"

To see if people really react badly to Burqa wearers, my wife, who is a journalist, decided to wear one for a week, and gauge the reactions.
On the first day, she was spat on, slapped in the face, threatened with death, and yelled at.
And she hasn't even left the house yet.

I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations; just had this young lady from the sperm bank and boy did I give her a mouthful!

My fucking neighbour came knocking on my door at 3am today.
Can you believe that?
it was lucky I was already up practising on my bagpipes.

^
The mark of a gentleman is that if you can play the bagpipes but don't.