Thread: Quick Jokes

^ Still frame stolen from Dodgeball: A true underdog story.

Love that film

Say "I won a math debate" really fast.

^ Just tried it. I'm getting some funny looks from the other shoppers.

^There's a quick joke in iteself

My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”


Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”


She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”


Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”


She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"


To which I replied, “That's where they held the auction.”

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?


He sold his soul to Santa.

^ + ^^^

A Roman centurion said to me "I've had sex with so many women, I've lost count".

I said "Mmmm".

He said, "No, it wasn't that many".

To the guy who stole my antidepressants - I hope you're happy now!

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

Someone has difficulty understanding the meaning of "quick" and "joke".

Relationships are a lot like Algebra,
Ever looked at your X and wondered Y

Woman walks into a Greengrocers and asked for a large Cucumber,
man serving asked, whole or sliced
woman said,i've got a fanny,not a slot machine.

If life gave you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Someone has difficulty understanding

Fixed that for you.

My neighbour had a vasectomy to stop his wife getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.

Had my first gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night; they didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

If you're on a flight and your hear the dreaded announcement, "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?" you should answer "Yes".


Well, if you're going to die, might as well do it flying a jet.

For the past twenty years I received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year; first my granny dies and now this!

How time flies! - nearly 20 years since the world ended in Y2k.

This 3D TV is so realistic, I went to sleep watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial a wrong number, you answered the phone wrong.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity....twice.

Chuck Norris once robbed a gun store with a knife.

Me and the missus had an argument when we got home from the pub, because some bloke insulted her.

She said "If you were even half the man you used to be, you'd have stood up for me".

I said "If you were even half the woman you used to be, he probably wouldn't have called you a Fat C u n t".