Thread: Quick Jokes

A man sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an opthalmolgist.”

How can you tell when your wife is having an orgasm?

My car will be parked in your driveway.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots.

I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I got a new toaster oven for my wife. Good trade.

whiteboards are remarkable

A kung fu student asks: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?” “Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?” “Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
“And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?” “Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training.”

Originally Posted by nidhogg

I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots.

I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago.

I bought a potato scraper for the village, but with first use by a neighbour never had the heart to tell her to hold the damn thing by the handle not the bladed end. Bit of blood, then a moment of clarity, and now they're happily scraping away with the few more I sent up there.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Oops meant for Space thread

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?


a synonym roll

Synonym rolls like my grammar used to make?

^ ouch

^ I thought it was one of those mysterious "post replaced by random pic" posts that have been occurring. Couldn't see anyone's tackle hanging out or anything else.
Is it the team that's a joke?

All those in favour of psychokinesis raise my hand.

Doctor: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.”

Me: “And?”

I invented a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

I phoned a Chinese restaurant.
A guy answered and said "Hello, I'm Wang King the chef"
I said "Don't worry, l'll call back later when you're not busy"

A policeman pulls over a car with two priests in it. The policeman makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”


The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the policeman.


“We’ll do it.”

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.

chuck norris..........



Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

^