Thread: Quick Jokes

^Cooking porridge tops the list,I hear.

What'd the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

Can't decide whether to stay home and wish I went out or go out and wish I stayed home.

Lord of the Manor : That was a damn fine shot, wasn't it ?

Irish Beater : No, Milord, waste of a cartridge, the fall would have killed it.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.


Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

In school, we had an assembly on bullying. The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality.

She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked us all the question, 'How do you think he takes it?'


Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwomam.
snow balls

thats my piss poor xmas joke

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
The optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees an express train coming.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
- anon

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.


"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.


"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

My wife left me because she thinks I'm insecure and paranoid.

Oh, it's alright, she just went to get the newspaper.

Harry and Cujo in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking ... and harry says "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?" Cujo turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"

My girlfriend says she is leaving me because I try and make everything into a quiz.

Is that:

( a ) Weird
( b ) Annoying
( c ) Unfair

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. – But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Man: What would you do if I won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave your ass.
Man: Good, I won twenty, here's a tenner now piss off.

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"


Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

555 lol