Thread: Quick Jokes

What does a 9v battery and a womans arsehole have in common?

You know it's wrong but eventually you'll touch it with your tongue!

A guy comes home from the pub and says to his wife :"They reckon the milkman has slept with every woman in this road except one" to which his wife replies " Oh, that will be that snooty bitch at number 24!"

Simon goes on stars in their eyes, mathew kelly notices he's in a wheelchair,
he says "what happened" simon replys"i was in a car crash with my uncle, he died, and i had my legs amputated, but they saved my uncles legs and grafted them onto me, in six months time i will be able to walk again"
"thats amazing" says mathew" who are you going to be?"
simon says" tonight mathew, i'm going to be....




(wait for it)




....simon & halfuncle"

My mrs brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as ur dick when ur thinking about me naked!" I said "Go on then, pour me a glass.....

what do you call 5 greek women in a sauna

gorillas in the mist

My grandad said "it's going to be a fucking nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak"
I said "tell me something I don't know..."

Grandad replied "your nana's arse can take my whole fist".

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Geordie goes with a prostitute from Wigan. Drops his pants gets his cock out & the lass says by thats a gud un. He says whats a gud un? She replys it means a big 1. She drops her knickers & he says by thats a canny un, she says whats a canny un? He replys a fucking big valley that cowboys ride through!!

An Oirishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses, the Oirishma said no but i once told a donkey to fuck off!

Paddy speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No! Paddy shouts, this is her husband!

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A catholic priest & a rabbi were having a chat . The priest says to the rabbi , " why don't we go and f*ck a couple of choirboys this afternoon ?" , to which the rabbi replies , "Out of what?"

Guy walks into a pharmacy and says "can I have some viagra please?" Cashier says " I need some medical proof that you need it ". Guy says " will a photo of my wife do ? "

A dog lover, whose poodle was a 'in heat,' agreed to look after her neighbour's male poodle while they were away on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

The vet replied, "It just worked for me."

Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal before Gaddafi could even get a word in.

I went fishing this morning, but I ran out of worms.
Then, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
‘Frogs are good bass bait” I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, put it in my bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot.
There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,





when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.



'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:


'Next year tell Santa;
The prick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide..


Let's have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas?

- No television?

- No football?

- No pork chops?

- No hotdogs?

- No burgers?

- No beer?

- No bacon?

- Rags for clothes?

- Towels for hats?

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?

- More than one wife?

- More than one mother in law?

- You can't shave?
- You wipe your butt with your hand?

- You cook over burning camel shit?

- Your wives are picked by someone else?

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Noel Edmunds is to start a new BBC 4 programme in aid of Comic Relief , it wil take place in Africa where the little black fookers will be playing Meal or no Meal .

The Australian gold coast surf competion has just been won in controversial circumstances by a little Japanese man on a wardrobe .

Dear Gerry Adams,
Need that gear back a,s,a,p
Love Col GADDAFFI

It's been found that prawns have the same DNA as women ,
The head's are full of shit but the pink bit's taste lovely .

A bloke got a phone call off the police saying "Your house has been broken into, they've drunk all your Stella and raped your wife".
The police asked him to comment He replied "I can't believe they've fucked her after only 4 cans"