Thread: Quick Jokes

a very shy man was persuaded by his friends to go a dance with them, telling him talking to women was no problem, just give them a compliment as your dancing and they will be putty in your hands. At the dance he took courage and picked the ugliest woman in the hall to dance.At the break he decided to try what his friends had recommended. I'm very surprised at you, He says,Why she asks, You dont sweat much for a fat woman

My Dad once caught a fish so big, it took two men just to carry the photo of it....

My girlfriend came home with one of those three dimensional tattoos of a sea shell on her inner thigh.. so realistic..amazing.. when you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean

I went out with a dyslexic girl last night. It was great, except she ended up cooking my socks...

do you remember the jetsons cartoon show from the 70s.

question who was the black character in the show ???

There wasnt any black character so the future is looking good

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"

the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'



Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.

They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.



What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?

The wife



Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a

slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you'



I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,

I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.



Teacher: 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'

Little Tommy: 'My grandfather got burnt'

Teacher: 'Badly?'

Little Tommy: 'Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'



A friend of mine says he ismaking love to twins, I said ' How can you

tell the difference?' he said ' Her brother has got a moustache



Hubby has ' I love you' tatooed on his penis, and goes home to show his

wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

had the best laugh at spotlight today
a little muslim kid went up to a
pair of black curtins and shouted
mum mum

after both suffering depression for a while
me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday
but strangely enough once she killed herself
i started to feel a lot better so i thought fuck it soldier on.

a little girl goes to the barbers with her dad & stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a hair cut. Barber smiles at her &says youre gonna get hair on your muffin, I Know she says, I'm gonna get tits too you dirty old [at][at][at][at]

Warning...
If you see an email warning that you can get swine flu from tinned pork, delete it.

It's spam!

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow.

This warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police.

Clubbers in Yorkshire have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes.

This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

If you are approached by a Northerner saying '"E by gum?"

then immediately report them to the police.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

Interesting piece of history…
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

You hear about the new McValue Meal at McDonald's offered in the US?
It's called the Obama Meal, you order anything on the menu you want and the guy behind you pays for it all.

After suffering depression for a long while, me and my wife decided to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, once she had killed herself I felt a lot better, so I thought... soldier on...

Originally Posted by bobo746

after both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday but strangely enough once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better so i thought fuck it soldier on.

you quoting me now mate

My girlfriend broke up with me last nite, saying that I was too kinky for her in the bedroom.
I nearly choked on her piss when she told me.

My son has taken a year out to travel to Thailand and he's just sent me a photo with him and a stunning Thai girl doing a reach around. I thought "Fair play son, fair play."

Then I realised, she was actually in front of him.... It made me feel physically sick "Fuck me, if his dick is big enough to come between her legs and still have 6 inches in the open, he can't be my son."

Apparently an Iranian optician went out of business today, Asif Eyecare...

Did you hear about the Indian restaurant down Nana that got closed down by health and safety for putting daffodil bulbs in their curries?


Unbelievable!





Apparently they'll re-open around spring.

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

im posting this from the casualty dept of my local hospital....



turns out the new dyson ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was..

spent $50 on ebay for a penis enlarger

bastards sent me a magnifying glass

Asked my bird for a wank last night. She started rubbing my cock with a keyring. Perhaps it's just me, but I felt like I was being fobbed off!