Quick Jokes

**oldgit** · 18-01-2011, 05:47 PM

Originally Posted by Dug

Boon mee, you fuckong moron. Do you understand QUICK jokes????
Put these jokes in the main forum. Fucking hell.

Read quicker Dug then all will be OK

**Boon Mee** · 19-01-2011, 06:15 AM

Originally Posted by ItsRobsLife

That's pretty good for Boon.

Cheers Rob...gotta another one for Dug, the slow reader.

How to SellToothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath
... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, but looks good, for free,and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth." The teacher was speechless. . . . . . . .

Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. . .

**Boon Mee** · 19-01-2011, 06:24 AM

OK Dug, this one's a litter 'quicker'. Still related to dogs...

IN REGARDS TO MY DOG:

Please be advised I am tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

**nidhogg** · 19-01-2011, 07:27 AM

^ More fucking political crap masquerading as "jokes". You are a tedious fart, Boon Mee.

**Boon Mee** · 20-01-2011, 04:26 PM

Originally Posted by nidhogg

^ More fucking political crap masquerading as "jokes". You are a tedious fart, Boon Mee.

What's political about 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, eh?

**nigelandjan** · 21-01-2011, 03:36 AM

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

What's political about 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, eh?

mabe making a statement about the UK Con / Lib Dem government

**blue** · 21-01-2011, 03:44 AM

When does a Black man turn into a nigger?
As soon as he leaves the room.

**The Fresh Prince** · 21-01-2011, 04:38 AM

**blue** · 21-01-2011, 05:11 AM

What is black, white, and rolls off the end of the pier?
A nigger and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing.

**Mr Lick** · 21-01-2011, 05:51 PM

New Aston Villa Manager

Gary Glitter has applied to become the new Aston Villa manager after hearing that the strikers were Young, Bent and possibly Keane

**crippen** · 22-01-2011, 09:27 AM

Just for the bored amongst you....

1. Open Google Translate

2. type "Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty"

3. Translate into Vietnamese

4. Copy the translation and translate back into English..........

**crippen** · 22-01-2011, 09:35 AM

I'm so chuffed, my wife has just agreed to anal sex tonight!!
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By the way, what's a "strap on" ??

**dirtydog** · 23-01-2011, 01:11 AM

Jokes about an Australian's masculinity

1) The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

**crippen** · 23-01-2011, 10:12 AM

A worried Priest goes to the Doctor with a small white hard lump on his penis,Doctor gets a pair of tweezers and picks off the lump,examines it,turns to anxious Priest and says "Nothing to worry about,it's only a milk tooth"

**Mr Lick** · 23-01-2011, 07:17 PM

Teacher says to little Tommy '' Why have you brought your cat to school today?''

Tommy answers '' Well miss, this morning i overheard my dad say to mum '' I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave'', so i'm saving him.

sabaii sabaii · 25-01-2011, 02:06 AM

Socal just told me he fucked his girl so hard up the arse that he reached round and could feel that his dick had popped out her pussy.
I am gonna have to get me one of them thai birds.

**bobo746** · 25-01-2011, 03:55 AM

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

**bobo746** · 25-01-2011, 03:57 AM

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

**Boon Mee** · 25-01-2011, 10:10 AM

Two quick puns:

If Jack Spratt could eat no fat, does that make him a member of the tallow-ban?

I'm developing a recipe for creamy tomato soup that uses sun-dried tomatoes. I call it "Tomato Sun of a Bisque."

**Cujo** · 25-01-2011, 05:37 PM

Off with you BM, and don't come back until you've got something funny.

sabaii sabaii · 25-01-2011, 06:07 PM

^ harsh but fair

**daveboy** · 26-01-2011, 03:02 AM

I'm in trouble with the wife as per.
We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently "Identify it" wasnt the right answer.

**daveboy** · 26-01-2011, 04:19 AM

Rolf Harris is to release a 'Aus-Aid' single to raise funds for the Australian flood victims.
'Why's Me Kangaroo Drowned, Sport' is expected to reach no.1.

**Tickiteboo** · 26-01-2011, 04:57 AM

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"
Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

**The Fresh Prince** · 26-01-2011, 05:13 AM

^Didn't we just have that one?

Green to Dave!

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