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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #251
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    A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident.'

    The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing 'That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!'

    Confused the Husband explains 'Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving'

    After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says 'How many is a Brazilion?'

  2. #252
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    paddy visits the doctor and drops his dick on the table
    and wats your problem win dat paddy, says the doc.
    oh nothing doc
    but isn't it a beauty.

  3. #253
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    I caught my old boy in my zip yesterday so I put margarine on it. Woke up this morning and can't believe it's not better.

  4. #254
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    When God created pomes he was only practicing...

  5. #255
    splendid and tremendous
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    Just got back from my work's staff do.

    Lots of good music..they played 'jump' and I jumped.. they played 'the twist' and I twisted, then they played 'Come on Eileen' I was ushured from the building by the police..

  6. #256
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    A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde all stow away on a ship.

    On the first day at sea an officer walks around checking the holds so the three girls hide behind some old sacks.

    He kicks the first one, and he hears "miouw, miouw" and walks on to the next.

    He kicks the second sack and he hears "wuff-wuf, wuff-wuff".

    He kicks the third and he hears a voice saying "potatoes, potatoes".

  7. #257
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    please see me tomorrow and explain.

  8. #258
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    Sigh!

  9. #259
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    I woke up this morning at 8 and I just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the Wife was face down on the Kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do.... ....then I remembered McDonald's serve breakfast until 10:30.

  10. #260
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    A long while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at
    her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy
    restaurant.

    When we arrived, she ordered the most expensive items on the menu...Shrimp
    Cocktail, Lobster and Champagne .

    I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

    "No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

    I said, "Enjoy your meal!"

  11. #261
    splendid and tremendous
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    An anxious father to be is waiting outside a delivery room in a hospital.

    Finally, the doctor comes out with a smile and says "congratulations, sir, your wife has just given birth to triplets"

    "Triplets!!" cries the new dad, " I knew I had a cock like a chimney!!"

    "Well", says the doctor "I suggest you get it swept out, they're all black".

  12. #262
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    What do you call an Australian with a bottle of champagne in his hand ?


    Waiter.

  13. #263
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    What do you call an Australian with a cricket bat in his hand?

    Wanker.

  14. #264
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    Bloke walks into a Sydney brothel and tells the Madam: "I'm a bit kinky - and into total humiliation. What's on offer ?"
    Madam replies; "For 60 dollars, you can have a green floppy hat and an Aussie cricket shirt"

  15. #265
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    What is the difference between an Aussie male and his photograph?
    The photograph is fully developed.

  16. #266
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    Dec 2032: The new Australian captain is shown a picture of a small urn.
    Rolf, now aged 102 asks "Have you guessed what it is yet?"

  17. #267
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    There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
    At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
    Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
    Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
    Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
    At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
    Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
    Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
    All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

  18. #268
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  19. #269
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    WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?


    A laughing stock.


    The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
    They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!


    Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when TheAshes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
    Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’ Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”


    Ofeveryone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease? The woman who irons their cricket whites.

    What’sthe height ofoptimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

    What is the main function of the Australia coach? Totransport the team from the hotelto the ground.

    On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells herhe’s heading out to the middle. His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’tbe long!”

    Who has the easiest job inthe Australian squad?The guy who removes the red ball marks fromthe bats.


    What doAussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common? Both spend mostof their time wondering where their next scorewill come from.

    Whatdid the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? The entire Australian innings.

    What’s the Australian version of LBW? Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

    Whyis Ricky Ponting cleverer thanHoudini? Because he can get out without even trying.

    What doesRicky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly goingto be a wicket? A bat.


    What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in commonwith Michael Jackson?They bothwore gloves for no apparent reason.

    Heard theone about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport? They asked him if he had a criminal record.He replied: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”

    What’s thedifference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.


  20. #270
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    I don't know if many outside the States know who Vince Gill and Rodney Crowell are but they are both very successful country artists (not and oxymoron either).
    Here is a link to one that will cause you to reflect upon why some of you left your mother land to enjoy life in the LOS.



    enjoy,
    Shiloh Jim

  21. #271
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    My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with
    I replied proudly, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was wide awake."

    Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM.

  22. #272
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    Phyllis Diller

    My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a bad knee.

  23. #273
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    I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

    I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

    But she did.

  24. #274
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    I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.


    I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

  25. #275
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    Daily Mail: "White House loses a quarter of its value as housing market continues to fall"
    Nothing to do with the fact a nigger is living there then?

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