Thread: Quick Jokes

Northerner takes his cat to the vet.

"Is it a Tom?" asks the vet

"Nah. I brawt it with thee", replies the northener

Pompey That went a fair way above the head of an Ozzie, would you care to translate?

^Is it at home? No, I brought it with me.

THanxs P all clear now.

A Glaswegian walks into a baker’s and points at a cake. ‘Excuse me,’ he says. ‘But is that a macaroon or a meringue?’ ‘No,’ says the lady at the counter, ‘you’re right. It is a macaroon.’

A few more accent jokes:

A little cockney girl and her mother are watching a naval wedding at which 12 midshipmen are forming a bridal arch with sculling oars. The little girl says, ‘Oh Mum, look at the handsome sailors with their big oars.’ The mother replies, ‘They’re not ’oars, they’re bleedin’ bridesmaids.’


A man is driving through the Welsh mountains when he’s stopped by a policeman for speeding. ‘I was only going 40 miles an hour, officer,’ he says. ‘That’s all very well,’ says the policeman. ‘But what if mister fog comes down?’ ‘Well,’ says the driver, sarcastically, ‘if Mister Fog comes down, I’ll take Mister Foot off Mister Accelerator and put it on Mister Brake.’ ‘No, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘What I actually said was, what if mist or fog comes down?’


A Yorkshireman orders a headstone for the grave of his dead wife. He asks for a simple inscription saying, ‘She was thine!’ A week later he returns to the stonemason and sees that he’s carved ‘She was thin!’ ‘That’s no good t’me, lad,’ says the Yorkshireman. ‘You’ve left off the “E”.’ The stonemason agrees to rectify the error. A week later the Yorkshireman returns. The inscription now reads ‘E she was thin’.


Noddy Holder is going back on the road with Slade and visits a 70s style clothes shop to get his stage costume together. ‘So what will you need, Noddy?’ asks the salesman. ‘A pair of platform boots. Pair of flared trousers. Big glittery hat. And a shirt with a big collar,’ says Noddy. ‘Kipper tie?’ asks the assistant. ‘Oh ta very much,’ says Noddy. ‘Milk and two sugars.’

^ Groan ....

as for post 2605, today must be the day for the need to translate.

Originally Posted by palexxxx

^ Groan ....

as for post 2605, today must be the day for the need to translate.

Is that a macaroon or M' I wrong?

You have to read the joke in the accent it was originally designed to be told in!

Thanks Neal.

Got a mate who's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied. "Only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?" I asked.

"F*ck knows! That's his problem."

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."

To which, her son replies, "Yeah? I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

I won a competition for Heston Blumenthal to cook at my house, using only ingredients I had at home.
It was amazing, we had a fantastic Vietnamese coconut curry with lime and coriander foam, mint and teatree jelly, cocoa shea butter sabayon, finished with a frozen lemon and ginseng tea.

The following morning the wife discovered that all her toiletries had gone and the dog was missing...

Went to a Faith Healing session last night. The Healer was that bad that a guy got up out of his wheelchair and left!

ISLAMIC DANCE RULES

A Muslim couple preparing for their wedding meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any questions before they leave. The man asks,

"We realize that it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?" says the man.

"No." answered the Mullah. "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay." says the man. "What about sex? Can we have sex?"

"Of course," replies the Mullah. "Sex is okay within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem." says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?"

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it"

"Doggy style?" - "Sure". "On the kitchen table?" - "Yes, yes."

"Can we do it with all my four wives together, on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

"You may indeed."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"Absolutely not." says the Mullah. "Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing."

Lady walks into a pet shop to inquire about a parrot sitting by the window.
its feathers are blue and gold with a touch of red.
it's beautiful she says, how much do you want for it.
£20 says the shop owner
but i have to warn you, it has lived in a whore house for 2 yrs so his vocab can be a lil outrageous.
no worries she says, he can learn new words hopefully.
so she takes him and goes back home.
inside the house she removes the cover off the cage and the parrot says
immm a new room
just then her 2 daughters walked in and the parrot says, ah 2 lovely girls
they both say hello to the new lodger
shortly after her husband walks in and the parrot says
eh up Keith,, hows it going stud.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today .....


























But those cops came out of nowhere.

conjunctivits.com

a site for sore eyes

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken the fooker out of the bowl yet".

why do you need a general anesthetic for a major operation ?

Why hasn't a woman landed on the moon?





It doesn't need cleaning yet!

Little Johnny meets his science teacher one morning after bonfire night.
His teacher says 'Hello Johnny, so what did you and your friends do for bonfire night yesterday?
'Oh' says little Johnny 'We went round putting fireworks up chicken's arseholes!'
'Rectum!' The teacher corrected.
'Yeah, fucking blew 'em to bits!'

Originally Posted by toslti

Why hasn't a woman landed on the moon?





It doesn't need cleaning yet!