Quick Jokes

**Bettyboo** · 11-02-2015, 04:19 PM

You want more? OK...

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

**Bettyboo** · 11-02-2015, 04:56 PM

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

**charleyboy** · 11-02-2015, 10:33 PM

Betty...BOO!

Shite jokes.

**kingwilly** · 11-02-2015, 10:46 PM

They are brillant!

Greens otw.

**charleyboy** · 11-02-2015, 10:47 PM

...And fookin' reds on the way for you, Willy Boy!

**kingwilly** · 11-02-2015, 10:48 PM

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

Two colored guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second colored guy says, "Yeah, all the time." The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, " dat be the pepper spray.

I put that up just last week.

OK, Sheriff...

And it was unfunny, racist dribble back then

**kingwilly** · 11-02-2015, 10:49 PM

Originally Posted by charleyboy

...And fookin' reds on the way for you, Willy Boy!

Gotchya first!

**nidhogg** · 12-02-2015, 05:02 PM

The Queen has 'concerns' about Prince Charles taking the throne, a new biography claims.

I'm not surprised she has concerns. The main one is probably that she'll be dead.

**nidhogg** · 12-02-2015, 05:05 PM

I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I could tell it was going to be a good film...

The place was buzzing.

**nidhogg** · 12-02-2015, 05:09 PM

The Daily Mail has a feature about a woman who had a party to say farewell to her breasts before a double mastectomy.

I had a similar party to say goodbye to my testicles. Apparently it is known as a wedding reception.

**Cujo** · 12-02-2015, 09:04 PM

Originally Posted by kingwilly

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

Two colored guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second colored guy says, "Yeah, all the time." The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, " dat be the pepper spray.

I put that up just last week.

OK, Sheriff...

And it was unfunny, racist dribble back then

Piss off, it was even funnier when it was about abbos.

**Joe45** · 13-02-2015, 04:03 AM

Low Battery
A man saved his girlfriend’s phone number on his mobile as ‘Low Battery’. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

**Joe45** · 13-02-2015, 04:05 AM

Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him England.

**Joe45** · 13-02-2015, 04:06 AM

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

**charleyboy** · 14-02-2015, 04:03 PM

POTHOLERS.Take a tip from cats and avoid getting stuck in holes by growing a moustache to the exact width of your body.

**Boon Mee** · 15-02-2015, 06:08 AM

**toslti** · 16-02-2015, 04:01 PM

I heard they've stopped broadcasting The Flintstones in Dubai as the folks there just don't get the humour. However, the folks in Abu Dhabi do!

**toslti** · 16-02-2015, 04:04 PM

I was in hospital last week. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said “suture self”

Growing up on a farm, my dad was always telling me to use the indoor toilet. But I preferred to go against the grain

In Iran, everyone’s scared of spiders. But in Iraq no phobia.

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard. He’d herd it through the grapevine

My kids can’t access videos of twerking on our home PC: we’ve got Norton Anti-Cyrus

**Boon Mee** · 18-02-2015, 05:50 PM

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:

How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

**Neo** · 20-02-2015, 01:27 AM

**Boon Mee** · 20-02-2015, 04:36 AM

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a young Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

"Bradford....There's thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.

**SiLeakHunt** · 20-02-2015, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a young Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

"Bradford....There's thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.

Old ones are the best, it was a Bernard Manning joke the parrot was on the shoulder of a word I'd rather not use, and the answer was Africa.

**toslti** · 20-02-2015, 05:12 PM

So I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.

The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book.

The Clerk said "Fook off, Get Out and Stay Out."

I said, "Yes that’s the one!"

**charleyboy** · 22-02-2015, 10:02 AM

A recent survey has found that one in three women is just as stupid as the other two...

**Neo** · 22-02-2015, 03:34 PM

Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a young Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

"Bradford....There's thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.

Old ones are the best, it was a Bernard Manning joke the parrot was on the shoulder of a word I'd rather not use, and the answer was Africa.

Black guy goes into a doctor with a parrot on his head,
doctor says 'can I help you?'
parrot says 'yeah, can you get this blackhead off my arse'

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