Thread: Quick Jokes

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," the woman replied.

"O.K.", strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. The woman promptly did as instructed.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Asking to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk!"

"I know!", the woman said, "I'm his Grandma! .. but I'm glad I came, though!"

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay"as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

I opened my dictionary today and someone has ripped the pages from the front and the back. It goes from bad to worse!

Muslim Tribute Band

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called "Bomb Jovi".
They were brilliant.

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on
dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started

...Those f**kers have no sense of humour!

An AUSSIE Muslim
was caught having sex
with a sheep today.

He said it was
islamb and he could do
what he wanted with it.

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says “Since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”

The woman said “Hell no, get away from me, you freak!”

The bum turned to leave and muttered “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

Two hobos are chatting and one says "I just had amazing sex with this woman who was up there next to the railway line".

"Great!" says the second one, "Did she give you a blow job?".

"No", he replied, "I couldn't find her head".

NO MONEY IN THE BANK

The store clerk called 111 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital
where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Three Irish Jihadi's broke into Chester Zoo yesterday...Apparently, they took three Ostriches!

Very Emusing

The phrase "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful sentiment in church.........But I wouldn't want to hear it in a Mexican jail!

You are not born gay. You are sucked into it.

I was sent to prison and I said to my cellmate, "I won't be in here long."
He replied, "Well the judge did give you six years."

"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a sentence before."

A man accidentally kills a deer whilst driving home.

He then takes it home for his wife to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for a clue.

*"Well"* he said; *"…it's what mummy calls me sometimes." *


The little girl screams to her brother;

*"Don't eat it ….. it's an arsehole."*

My wife just said I treat our house like a hotel! She will regret that remark when I mark her down on Tripadvisor for "rude staff".

Reports are coming in that a drone has been found in the grounds of the White House.

This has officials puzzled as they thought he was in India at the time.

The Jew said to God , run that past me again-- The Arabs get the oil and we get the end cut off our WHAT?

I'm reading a book about weightlessness - I can't put it down!

On average, Australian men will have sex two to three times a week, whereas

a Japanese man will only have sex once or twice a year.

This is deeply distressing and upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.