Thread: Silly Adult Jokes

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f&^%$ing listening'

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

I said to this bird "Can I smell your c u n t?".

"Of course not!" she snapped.

I said "Well it must be your feet then".

A teacher asked the children in her third year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. Officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militants and return as a national hero. Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find myself the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher - shocked and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny - decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Johnny's tart!"

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.

Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.

Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ....

“I kick the bucket out from under him”

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel fuckin great!!!'

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

I said to this bird "Can I smell your c u n t?".

"Of course not!" she snapped.

I said "Well it must be your feet then".

Owe you a green

Naval Sensitivity Training

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing 3 Navy Master Chiefs for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Nuclear Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Submariner said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful sailor.
"And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Submariner replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what
day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try. ”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born? ”
I said, " Yesterday . ”

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass
and said, "You're kind of cute you gotta phone number?”
I said, "Yea you gotta pen?" She said "Yea", I got a pen”.
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you".