Thread: Steven Wright quotes

And so Spike Milligan made me think of Steven Wright and that is where I will stop.
I have work to do


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is
one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?


When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?


How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.


I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I used to like Steve Wright.

Is that the same Stevie Wright of Easybeats fame?

Friday on My Mind is a classic.

^ I've got his solo album (Angus & Malcom Young played on it to finance their first album).

That would be Steve Wright, BBC Radio 1 morning DJ, I would think.
Shite, he was doing his thing in the 1980's.

Reading through the quotes, he's not a patch on Mr Clarkson.

Who? Let me guess: an Englishman.

^ Coincidently, yes, but this Wright bloke is seriously amateur.

"You know the feeling you get when you fall backwards on your seat and then catch youself at the last second, well I feel like that all the time'

The guy is super, super intelligent. To catch his multiple interwoven punchlines, you need to think a little.

I love it.

^ Obviously.

Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog

^ I've got his solo album (Angus & Malcom Young played on it to finance their first album).

I've got his first solo album, "Hard Road". I still listen to Evie, a classic Aussie rock anthem. Angus & Malcolm had known Stevie through their older brother George, who was also a member of the Easybeats.

That's the one "Hard Road". Evie is good, but the rest is a bit pants.

Originally Posted by TizMe

Angus & Malcolm had known Stevie through their older brother George

For those not familiar with the above names and/or Aussie music legends !!

The Easybeats - Stevie & George
Google Music: The Easybeats
The Easybeats - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

AC/DC - Angus & Malcolm
AC/DC - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog

^ Coincidently, yes, but this Wright bloke is seriously amateur.

Yup, seriously "amateur" alright:

Filmography

Jump to filmography as: Actor, Writer, Director, Producer, Self, Archive Footage
Actor:

• 2000s
• 1990s
• 1980s

1. Son of the Mask (2005) .... Daniel Moss
2. Coffee and Cigarettes (2003) .... Steven (segment "Strange to Meet You")
3. "The Downer Channel" .... Walter (1 episode, 2001)
   - Episode #1.2 (2001) TV Episode .... Walter
4. Loser (2000) .... Pantie Bar Man
   ... aka The Loser (USA)
5. The Muse (1999) .... Stan Spielberg
6. One Soldier (1999)
7. "Becker" .... Boyd Crossman (1 episode, 1999)
   - Larry Spoke (1999) TV Episode .... Boyd Crossman
8. Babe: Pig in the City (1998) (voice) .... Bob
9. "Hercules" .... Bootes (1 episode, 1998)
   ... aka Disney's Hercules (USA: complete title)
   - Hercules and the Argonauts (1998) TV Episode (voice) .... Bootes
10. 1999 (1998) .... Goatman
    ... aka Girls & Boys (USA: MIFED title)
11. Half Baked (1998) (uncredited) .... The Guy on the Couch
12. "Almost Perfect" .... Ray Whitestone (1 episode, 1997)
    - Dating for Ratings (1997) TV Episode .... Ray Whitestone
13. "Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist" .... Steven (2 episodes, 1995-1997)
    - Mask (1997) TV Episode (voice) .... Steven
    - Bystander Ben (1995) TV Episode (voice) .... Steven
14. Canadian Bacon (1995) .... RCMP Officer at Headquarters
15. For Better or Worse (1995) .... Cabbie
16. Mixed Nuts (1994) .... Man at Pay Phone
    ... aka Lifesavers
17. Speechless (1994) .... Eddie
18. The Swan Princess (1994) (voice) .... Speed
19. Natural Born Killers (1994) .... Dr. Emil Reingold
20. "Mad About You" .... Warren Mermelman (5 episodes, 1993)
    - Edna Returns (1993) TV Episode .... Warren Mermelman
    - So I Married a Hair Murderer (1993) TV Episode .... Warren Mermelman
    - Murray's Tale (1993) TV Episode .... Warren Mermelman
    - Happy Anniversary (1993) TV Episode .... Warren Mermelman
    - The Billionaire (1993) TV Episode .... Warren Mermelman
21. So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) .... Pilot
22. "Bob" .... Noah the Cab Driver (1 episode, 1992)
    - Mad Dog on 34th Street (1992) TV Episode .... Noah the Cab Driver
23. Reservoir Dogs (1992) (voice) .... K-Billy DJ
24. Men of Respect (1991) .... Sterling
25. Stars and Bars (1988) .... Pruitt
26. The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988) .... Dennis Jennings
27. "Trying Times" .... Dwight Harper (1 episode, 1987)
    - Get a Job (1987) TV Episode .... Dwight Harper
28. Coffee and Cigarettes (1986) .... Steven
29. Desperately Seeking Susan (1985) .... Larry Stillman D.D.S
30. The Last Word (1980) .... Man in Crowd
    ... aka Danny Travis
    ... aka The Number (UK)

Writer:

• 2000s
• 1990s
• 1980s

1. Steven Wright: When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) (TV)
2. Two Mikes Don't Make a Wright (1992) (segment "The Appointments of Dennis Jennings")
3. Steven Wright: Wicker Chairs and Gravity (1990) (TV)
4. The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
5. The Young Comedians All-Star Reunion (1986) (TV) (uncredited)
6. Coffee and Cigarettes (1986)
7. A Steven Wright Special (1985) (TV) (writer) (desert sequence)
   ... aka Steven Wright Live (USA: video box title)

Director:

1. One Soldier (1999)
2. Two Mikes Don't Make a Wright (1992) (segment "The Appointments of Dennis Jennings")

Producer:

1. Steven Wright: When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) (TV) (executive producer)

Self:

• 2000s
• 1990s
• 1980s

1. "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" .... Himself (6 episodes, 1999-2007)
   ... aka Late Night with Conan O'Brien (Australia)
   - Episode dated 21 September 2007 (2007) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode dated 28 June 2000 (2000) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode dated 29 January 2000 (2000) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode dated 7 October 1999 (1999) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode dated 27 May 1999 (1999) TV Episode .... Himself
   (1 more)
2. "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" .... Himself (4 episodes, 2005-2007)
   - Episode dated 9 May 2007 (2007) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode #2.75 (2006) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode #1.97 (2005) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode #1.39 (2005) TV Episode .... Himself
3. "Late Show with David Letterman" .... Himself (3 episodes, 1993-2007)
   ... aka Late Show Backstage (USA: title for episodes with guest hosts)
   ... aka The Late Show (USA: informal short title)
   - Episode dated 23 April 2007 (2007) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode dated 5 November 2004 (2004) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode dated 13 September 1993 (1993) TV Episode .... Himself
4. 100 Greatest Stand-Ups (2007) (TV) (also archive footage) .... Himself
5. Steven Wright: When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) (TV) .... Himself
6. Boomtown (2005)
7. 'Reservoir Dogs' Revisited (2005) (TV) (voice) .... Himself
8. The Aristocrats (2005) .... Himself
   ... aka The @r!$t* (r@t$ (USA: promotional title)
9. "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" .... Himself (2 episodes, 2004)
   - Episode dated 29 December 2004 (2004) TV Episode .... Himself
   - Episode dated 20 April 2004 (2004) TV Episode .... Himself
10. Reverse of the Curse of the Bambino (2004) (TV) .... Himself
11. The Curse of the Bambino (2003) (TV) .... Himself (Burlington, MA)
12. When Stand Up Stood Out (2003) .... Himself
13. On Stage at the Kennedy Center: The Mark Twain Prize (2002) (TV) .... Himself
14. "Biography" .... Himself (1 episode, 2001)
    - Bob Newhart: The Last Sane Man... (2001) TV Episode .... Himself
15. "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" .... Himself (1 episode, 1999)
    ... aka SGC2C (USA: short title)
    - Snatch (1999) TV Episode .... Himself
16. "The Larry Sanders Show" .... Himself (3 episodes, 1993-1998)
    - Beverly's Secret (1998) TV Episode .... Himself
    - Artie's Gone (1993) TV Episode .... Himself
    - Life Behind Larry (1993) TV Episode .... Himself
17. "The Simpsons" .... Himself (1 episode, 1998)
    - The Last Temptation of Krust (1998) TV Episode (voice) .... Himself
18. TV Nation: Volume One (1997) (V) .... Himself
19. Comics Come Home 2 (1996) (TV) .... Himself
20. "Dennis Miller Live" .... Himself (1 episode, 1995)
    - Funding for the Arts (1995) TV Episode .... Himself
21. Comics Come Home (1995) (TV) .... Himself
22. "TV Nation" .... Himself - Correspondent (1 episode, 1994)
    - 1994 Year End Special (1994) TV Episode .... Himself - Correspondent
23. "Saturday Zoo" .... Himself (1 episode, 1993)
    - Episode #1.7 (1993) TV Episode .... Himself
24. Comic Relief V (1992) (TV) .... Himself
25. Two Mikes Don't Make a Wright (1992) .... (segment "The Appointments of Dennis Jennings")
26. Steven Wright: Wicker Chairs and Gravity (1990) (TV) .... Himself
27. Comic Relief III (1989) (TV) .... Himself
28. The 30th Annual Grammy Awards (1988) (TV) .... Himself
29. Mike's Talent Show (1987) (TV) .... Himself - Comedian
30. The Young Comedians All-Star Reunion (1986) (TV) .... Himself
31. "Saturday Night Live" .... Himself (4 episodes, 1983-1985)
    ... aka NBC's Saturday Night (USA: first season title)
    ... aka SNL (USA: informal title)
    ... aka SNL 25 (USA: alternative title)
    ... aka Saturday Night (USA: second season title)
    ... aka Saturday Night Live '80 (USA: sixth season title)
    - Tom Hanks/Sade (1985) TV Episode .... Himself
    - Christopher Reeve/Santana (1985) TV Episode .... Himself
    - Roy Scheider/Billy Ocean (1985) TV Episode .... Himself
    - Susan Saint James/Michael McDonald (1983) TV Episode .... Himself
32. A Steven Wright Special (1985) (TV) .... Himself
    ... aka Steven Wright Live (USA: video box title)
33. "The Bob Monkhouse Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 1983)
    - Episode #1.3 (1983) TV Episode .... Himself
34. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" .... Himself (2 episodes, 1982)
    ... aka The Best of Carson (USA: rerun title)
    - Episode dated 6 August 1982 (1982) TV Episode .... Himself
    - Episode dated 8 April 1992 (????) TV Episode .... Himself
35. 7th Annual Young Comedians Show (1982) (TV) .... Himself

Archive Footage:

1. The Comedians' Comedian (2005) (TV) .... Himself
2. "Comedy Central Presents: 100 Greatest Stand-Ups of All Time" (2004) (mini) .... Himself #23
3. "Full Mountie" (2000) .... Himself
4. "Mad About You"
   - Clip Show (1996) TV Episode .... Warren Mermelman
5. Classic Stand-Up Comedy of Television (1996) (TV) .... Himself
6. Johnny Carson's 29th Anniversary (1991) (TV) .... Himself

Additional Details

Other Works:

Album, "I Have a Pony," Warner Bros. Records 25335, 1985. more

Steven Wright (I)

I think this falls into the "anything not British is therefore crap" department...

Originally Posted by Hootad Binky

I think this falls into the "anything not British is therefore crap" department...

Or the Harry Hill department.