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Thread: Viz Tips

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Viz Tips

    When replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer you millions in return for a 5,000 finders fee, send them only half the money and keep the rest until you get the paperwork.

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Death Row Prisoners: Increase your life span a few days by having your last meal delivered from Pizza Hut.

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    Thailand Expat Jack meoff's Avatar
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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for therest of the day.

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government byforce, subversion or violence?

    Applicant: Violence.

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion I'd also be irresponsible.

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

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    A cut and paste frenzy.
    Excellent.

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    Thailand Expat Jack meoff's Avatar
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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Einstein discovered that time and space are interchangeable when he showedup three miles late for a meeting.

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Buying chain or wire at B&Q? Cut off the length you want and abandon itelsewhere in the store. Next day, pick it up from the reduced bucket for half price.

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    When you go to court you are putting your future in the hands of 12 peoplethat weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changingyour name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y, Bournemouth

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    People think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a questionand he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn'tjust looking it up on google? - Danny C, London

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Whoever says that mobile phones will one day completely replace the telephone kiosk is talking utter nonsense. Have they ever tried to piss into an iphone 6plus? - A Tern, Fulham

  16. #16
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    David Icke claims that the world's economy is run by lizards masquerading as humans, such as Donald Trump and Her Majesty the Queen. Why doesn't he simply break into their houses and have a look at their bedrooms? If they sleep on a big rock instead of a bed and have an enormous red light bulb hanging over them, I think the man has a case. - S Alfonso, email

  17. #17
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Whilst on a cruise this summer, on the back of my cabin door was a notice reading 'Please think of the environment. Recycle where possible and switch off all appliances when not in use'. All this on a ship travelling at 17 inches to the gallon. – John King, Macclesfield

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    How can police go around arresting people based on DNA evidence when we share 98% of our DNA with chimps? It might be chimps going around committingall the crimes. - Montgomerie, Luton

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    This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed allmy knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with. - Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Why is it that Tampax adverts always show women ice-skating, dancing or playingvolleyball? All my wife does at that time of the month is chew my head off. - TonyMoon, Cardiff

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    These Harry Potter films are all well and good, but I can't help thinkingit's all a bit farfetched. I mean, how many ginger kids do you know with twomates? - Tim Woods, e-mail

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    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    These so called disposable cameras are such a farce. Now I have no record ofa perfect holiday. - S. Partridge, e-mail

  23. #23
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I used my credit card for 32 of groceries at Tesco's recently andthe woman on the till asked me if I wanted any cashback. I requested 20 whichshe cheerfully gave me. So my shopping really only cost me 12. Who says thesupermarkets are ripping us off? - A. Berry, Grimsby

  24. #24
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I recently attended a bull fight during a holiday in Spain. I went with anopen mind, but I can honestly say that I have never been so appalled and upsetby an event in all my life. It cost 14 to get in, a can of coke was another 3,and I was sat so far at the back that I couldn't see the cows getting stabbed.- Victoria Gardener, Sussex

  25. #25
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