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Thread: Viz Tips

  1. #26
    Never Mind The Bollix
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    Quote Originally Posted by jabir View Post
    Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changingyour name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y, Bournemouth
    An oldie but a goodie!

    Save money on first class stamps by buying second class stamps instead and posting the letters a day earlier.

    Quote Originally Posted by crackerjack101 View Post
    A cut and paste frenzy.
    Excellent.

  2. #27
    POTUS HOCUS
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    Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. (Quote by - Benjamin Franklin)

  3. #28
    Thailand Expat
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  4. #29
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    The other night in a pub I was greeted in the lavatory by an inebriated man attempting to correctly use the urinal. On finishing, he shook his jolly roger a few times and said to me, 'I don't want it to taste salty for my lady's soft lips'. I was astounded that even while this man was fighting to stay conscious, he was still thinking of his girl's comfort. And they say chivalry is dead. - D. York, email

  5. #30
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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  6. #31
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I received an email this morning which read, "Surprise your wife with an enlarged penis." I have to say that I have an enlarged penis most nights when I climb into bed, and my wife doesn't seem in the least bit surprised. I think she's rather come to expect it. - B Davison, Leeds

  7. #32
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    What a load of rubbish these safety boots with steel toe caps are. They certainly didn't prevent any injuries happening to the person who pushed in front of me on Saturday night at the bus stop. - Big Jim, Bradford

  8. #33
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    How is it that Channel 4’s Big Brother are allowed to install cameras in a house and watch the residents’ every move. But when I put one tiny camera in my neighbour’s bathroom I get bound over for 12 months. There’s no justice! – Simon Eldritch, email

  9. #34
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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  10. #35
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  11. #36
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  12. #37
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    The government tells us we're eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we're living too long and there'll be no pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. - John Sawabaddy, Lincoln

  13. #38
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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  14. #39
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    On my brother's wedding anniversary he promised to treat his wife like a princess. And he was as good as his word. He took her out for a meal, got completely pissed and on the way home crashed the car into a concrete pillar, killing her instantly. - Mrs B, Essex

  15. #40
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    I think astrology is a pile of shit. My girlfriend's an Aries and she's got tits like two thruppenny bits on an ironing board. Meanwhile, her younger sister, also an Aries, has got the biggest pair of paps I've ever seen. I'd like roly-poly astrologer Russell Grant to explain that if he can. - Andrew Nesbit, email

  16. #41
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  18. #43
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    Physicist George Johnston Storey is credited with determining that electricity is made from electrons. Given the similarity in the two terms, quite frankly I'm surprised nobody realised this earlier. - Magnus Mbanu, Doncaster

  19. #44
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    A Kleeneze catalogue gets put in my letterbox every month, and a couple of days later a lady calls to collect it. This has been going on for years. Wouldn't it be easier if they just sent it to her in the first place? - Doug Roberts, Chelsea

  20. #45
    Isle of Discombobulation
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    Tip top thread.

    I have nearly every Viz comic issued, shall post a few pics up when i get a chance.

  21. #46
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    Do any of your readers know what happened to Prince Harry andhis wife Megan Markle? They don’t appear to have been on the telly for at least20 minutes. – James Dawson, Kensington

  22. #47
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    The number 4 on my pocket calculator has stopped working. Are there any scientists or mathematicians out there with big calculations to do that do not include the number 4 in them? If so, they can have it with pleasure. - Adrian Newth, email

  23. #48
    Thailand Expat jabir's Avatar
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    When I make comments about the size of Britney Spear's tits and women not making good pilots, my girlfriend accuses me of being sexist. Yet when I punch her in the face she starts ranting about it being wrong to hit a lass. The hypocrisy of it all dumbfounds me. - M Hobson, Whitney Bay

  24. #49
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  25. #50
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    On a recent trip abroad, I noticed that my phrase book contained the sentence “Will you marry me?” Call me old fashioned, but surely no marriage that requires the use of a phrase book during the proposal is going to last. – Frank Gothlyn, Harlesden

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