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Thread: Sick Jokes

  1. #1
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    Sick Jokes

    What's pink and bubbly and scratches at the glass? Baby in a microwave.

    What's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe? Maggots

    What's black or white and red all over?
    An inter-racial abortion

    What do you do after you rape a deaf mute? break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

    what do 75,000 abused women every year have in common? they don't f**king listen

    My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
    So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
    I guess we don't watch the same movies.

    Redneck brother says to his sister: "Gee, you fuck better than Mom!"
    Sis: "Yeah, that's what Dad says too."

    What do you call an Indian dating service?
    Connect the Dots.

    Q: What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
    A: Crib death.

    Q: How can you tell when your sister is on her period?
    A: Your dad's dick tastes funny.

    A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.

    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

    Did you hear about Micheal Jackson dying from a heart-attack.
    IT was complete bullshit!!
    He died in the childrens ward whilst having a stroke.

    What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing. You've already told her twice.

    Whats that useless skin around the vagina called?
    A woman.

    Did you hear about the psychopath who raped a mentally retarded 12 year old in a lift?
    It was wrong on all sorts of levels...

  2. #2
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    A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
    A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
    A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?' The vampire answered- 'i found a used tampon and i'm making tea'.

  3. #3
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    Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
    A. Partially disabled.


    Q. What are the first symptoms of Aids?
    A. A pounding sensation in the arrse.


    Q. What's the similarity between a carton of milk and a woman?
    A. They both need their flaps pushed back before you can get to the
    good bits.

    Q. How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
    A. When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you
    ..up the arrse with her clitoris.

  4. #4
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    whats the worse thing about eating a bald cnut?
    Putting the nappy back on afterwards


    whats the hardest part of cooking a vegitable?
    Getting the wheelchair in the pot!


    i used to be into bondadge, necrophillia and beastiallity, i gave it up when i realised i was flogging a dead horse.

  5. #5
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    just found out that my grandfather was killed at Aushwitz.
    Apparently he got pisssed up and fell out of the machine gun tower.

    Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.
    "you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
    The second terrorist says, gently,
    "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

    What goes 'BANG-BANG-BANG' (indicate with slapping motion on forhead)?
    Paralympic Hurdeler.

    Did you hear about Stevie Wonder and the cheese grater? Said it was the most violent book he's ever read!


    How do you know when the wife's died in her sleep?

    Sex is the same but the washing piles up.

    Boom boom

    Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
    A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

    Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
    A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

    Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
    A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

    Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

    Q. What's the definition of Trust?
    A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

    Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
    A. Pleasing!

    Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
    A. Bingo!

    Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
    day in Iraq?
    A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

    Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
    A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to
    fuck off!

  6. #6
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    I keep having my profile on that dating website Match.com rejected.
    One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
    Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.


    Why are women like clouds? Eventually they fcuk off and its a really nice day


    Whats the difference between light and hard?
    You can sleep with a light on.


    A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
    The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
    'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'


    My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
    We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fukcing big red mark on her forehead.


    I was at an ATM machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
    So I pushed her over.


    Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fukcing hilarious....


    I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
    Bad minton.



    Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fcuking lucky... Mine's still alive...'


    A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
    The librarian says; 'Fcuk off, you won't bring it back.'

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