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  1. #501
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    Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
    He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

    While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
    When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
    The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
    Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
    She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
    The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
    From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
    Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

  2. #502
    Thailand Expat DrWilly's Avatar
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    He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep...
    He awoke before the Pearly Gates...
    St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph"...
    Ralph was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...
    St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but sure. You've got two alternatives, you can come back as a fish or as a hen"...
    Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence...
    Ralph replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen"...
    The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground...
    A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh...? How's your first day here"...?
    "Not bad" replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode"...
    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster...
    "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"...?
    "Never" said Ralph...
    "Well, just cluck twice and then push"...
    Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg...
    Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming...
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed"...

  3. #503
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    A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,

    "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
    The rabbi says, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
    The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "

    Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
    The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi asks the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
    The priest replies, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
    The rabbi then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
    The priest says, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
    The rabbi nods understandingly. He is silent for about five minutes, and then says,
    "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

  4. #504
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    too long for quick jokes....-fclam4ywiaes8hj-jpeg
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails too long for quick jokes....-fclam4ywiaes8hj-jpeg  

  5. #505
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    Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper.

    "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

    No one knows whether he/she jumped or was pushed??

  6. #506
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    An engineer dies and is sent to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil:

    What's up?

    The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

    "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.

    "The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

    God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

    The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
    pues, estamos aqui

  7. #507
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    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

  8. #508
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Two men are out fishing when a sudden storm throws them out of their boat. When it's passed, they realise their boat has sunk and the nearest island is a mile away, so they start swimming. Out of nowhere, a shark attacks one of them, taking his legs.
    "Come on, we're nearly there!" shouts the first man, so they carry on.
    Then out of nowhere, more sharks appear, and take off the mans arms.
    "Don't worry, I'll help you!" says the second man, and pulls the now limbless man onto his back before struggling the rest of the way.

    When they get to the beach, the first man rolls him off and gasps "I'm fucked!".

    The second man says "I know, that's the only way I could hold on".
    The next post may be brought to you by my little bitch Spamdreth

  9. #509
    Days Work Done! Norton's Avatar
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    Current situation with a certain Royal reminded me of this.

    A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

    The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

    The brother thought about it and apologized.

    "So how's Mom?" asked the man.

    "She's on the roof and won't come down."
    "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect,"

  10. #510
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    Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking beer isn't a good thing?" I asked.


    Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.


    So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.


    She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"


    I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.


    Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


    “Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week!”


    The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen may not be getting any easier, but it can be fun

  11. #511
    Thailand Expat OhOh's Avatar
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    They caught Putin while he was speeding on the autobahn.

    Transcript:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

    Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

    Captain: Whose car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!
    A tray full of GOLD is not worth a moment in time.

  12. #512
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    I thought it was supposed to be funny.

  13. #513
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    too long for quick jokes....-screenshot_20230710_095539_chrome-jpg
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails too long for quick jokes....-screenshot_20230710_095539_chrome-jpg  

  14. #514
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    A man boards an airline and takes his seat. As he settles in, a beautiful woman boards the plane and as fate would have it, she takes the seat right beside him.

    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurts out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

    She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. "Whats your business at this convention?"

    "Lecturer." she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really?...And what kind of myths are those?"

    "Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually men of Mexican descent are best. I have also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm sorry." she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

    "Tonto." the man blurted "Tonto Gonzales, but my mates call me Billy T.

  15. #515
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    A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.


    After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
    'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'


    'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'


    'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
    'Anything, Father.'
    'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'


    'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'


    The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.


    'Father, could I ask something of you?'


    'Yes, Sister?'

    'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'


    'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.


    'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'


    'Is that true Father?'


    'Yes, it is, Sister.'


    'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!'

  16. #516
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    Made me laugh...

    An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
    "Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
    "Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
    "Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
    The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
    "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
    "I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
    Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
    "For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

  17. #517
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    "Hi, this is Google Pizza"
    "Oh, sorry, I was calling Gordon's Pizza, must have dialed wrong number"
    "No not at all, Google bought Gordon's last week"
    "OK, then I want to order a pizza"
    "Do you want your old regular"
    "My usual..? Do you know me ? "
    “No but according to your caller ID, you’ve ordered an extra large pizza with 3 kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni and meatballs on an extra thick bottom for the last 12 times”
    "Well, but then I'll take it"
    "May I suggest that this time you order a vegetarian pizza with ricotta, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a bottom? "
    "No.! I hate vegetables ! "
    "Your cholesterol level is not good, unfortunately"
    "How the f... n do you know that ? "
    "We have linked your phone number to your medical resume and can see your blood samples for the last 7 years"
    "Ok, but I don't want your disgusting vegetarian pizza! I take medicine for cholesterol"
    "Yes but sorry, you have neglected the medicine, according to our database you have only downloaded a package of 30 tablets 4 months ago"
    "I bought more from another supplier"
    "They don't show up on your credit card purchases"
    "I paid in cash"
    "But according to your bank statement, you haven't taken out enough cash for it"
    "I have other resources to take from"
    "It doesn't show on your last income return, unless you paid with untaxed funds, that would be illegal"
    "What in the hell...." you! "
    "We apologize but we only use this information to help you"
    "Now this has to be enough! I'm dead tired of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and any other junk! I'm going to move to an island with no Internet or cable TV and no cellular networks and where no one can spy on me! "
    "I understand, but you need to renew your passport first in that case, it expired 6 weeks ago"
    Trying to hide but trouble will find me

  18. #518
    5 4 Knoll
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    A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

    But then a voice from the back of the room piped up,

    “Yeah, right.”
    Quote Originally Posted by Latindancer View Post
    I just want the chance to use a bigger porridge bowl.

  19. #519
    . Neverna's Avatar
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    Can a linguistics professor with football knowledge please tell me what: "Yeah, no ..... blah blah blah" means.

    TIA.


    * Not a joke.

  20. #520
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna View Post
    * Not a joke.
    It's sublime the last trill of neverna pre Nirvana, a Basalmic balsam

    Have a stroke, nice cream sundae .

    As for math Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
    Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
    Holmes asked, “And what do you deduce from that?”
    Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
    Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

  21. #521
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna View Post
    Can a linguistics professor with football knowledge please tell me what: "Yeah, no ..... blah blah blah" means.

    TIA.



    * Not a joke.
    It means "I am a chav".

    And you will note that Ant and Willy said it regularly.

  22. #522
    Thailand Expat DrWilly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salsa dancer View Post
    It means "I am a chav".

    And you will note that Ant and Willy said it regularly.




    it simply means no.

    The yeah is slightly drawn out as in a question and then the nah is emphatic, and thus final.

    Example, “do you want to go skydiving tomorrow”

    “yeah, nah. I hate heights”


    or “Is Prancer a decent bloke”

    ”yeah, nah he’s aright cock”

  23. #523
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna View Post
    Can a linguistics professor with football knowledge please tell me what: "Yeah, no ..... blah blah blah" means.

    TIA.


    * Not a joke.

  24. #524
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    A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realizes he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender, "Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"

    The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."
    So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.
    The bartender is speechless.
    "Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."
    The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.
    "Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"
    The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."
    The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.
    "Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."
    In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.
    "I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."
    "Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog.
    "Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"
    "Nah," says the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."A

  25. #525
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    "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
    Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
    The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
    The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
    The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

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