Thread: too long for quick jokes....

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

“Well, today I didn’t do it", she answered.

Carl calls in sick to work.


His boss says, "I know you're not sick, now get your ass to work".


Carl replies, "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in."


The boss is pissed off, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him.

When he arrives, he peers through the window to see if Carl is in fact there.

To his surprise, he sees Carl on the bed hammering a girl doggy style. The boss runs to the front door and practically bangs the door down with anger knocking on it.


When Carl answers the door his boss is livid, "I knew you weren't sick, you're fired!"


Carl replies, " I am sick, that's my sister!"

Jannik had just arrived to america and could only speaker German, but he was staying with a friend who was teaching him English.

After a few days his friend feels he has learned enough and sends Jannik on some errands to test out his English.

First Jannik goes to the bakery down the street and orders a "Bum". The baker says "Do you mean a bun?" Jannik says "sure" and heads to his next stop, the hardware store.

He walks inside and asked for a "Fuck it". The employee informs Jannik he cannot talk like that at the hardware store and Jannik explains "My friend need fuck it for water". So the employee grabs a bucket and Jannik makes his way to his last stop, the doggy day care.

He tells the lady at the desk he's here to get his cock and spank it. The lady gets very offended and is telling him to leave when he tells her he just needs his friends dog "Spot". Now she realizes Jannik meant a cocker spaniel and gives Jannik the dog.

Feeling confidant that he got all his errands done Jannik walks across the street to get some ice cream when Spots collar breaks loose and he starts running away.

Jannik panics, quickly turns to the man next to him and says, "Quick! Hold my bum and fuck it while I grab my cock and spank it!"

They say you don't know what you got till it's gone.
Well,i know what I had, and I am sure glad it's gone.

TLR

A priest hooks a huge fish


Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".


"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.


Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".


Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.


"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.


"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.


"No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest.


"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".


So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.


"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.


"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.


"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.


Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"


The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.


"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.


"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.


"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.


The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You c u n t s are alright."

The Pope had become seriously ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him.

Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.

Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room went silent. There was a long pause.... The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex." After much debate, the cardinals agreed. "Yes, we will find you a blind girl." "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." Cardinals: "OK, fine, we will find you a blind, deaf girl." What else? "Third, she must be mute so that if she still figures out with whom she is having sex, she will not be able to tell anyone." The cardinals deliberated again and replied: "Fine, it won't be easy but we want you to live, so we will find you a blind, deaf, dumb girl. What is your fourth condition?".

The Pope replied, "Enormous tits."

When I got to ...

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

we will find you a blind, deaf, dumb girl.

I was expecting some reference to Pinball Wizard.


... sure plays a mean pin ball.


Oh well.

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Swansea and sees a job card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies."Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"The starting salary is £85,000, but you'll have to go to Romford.

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

Good one.

I was in the pub the other day and was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Throw in the washing. A bloke came up to me and said "I dont find that funny mate. My brother was an epileptic and he died while having a bath". I said "Sorry mate how did he die"? He said "He choked on a sock".

Dave was bragging to his boss, day after day, "Let me tell you, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, Tom Cruise opens it and shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the daily tour and gestures security to bring him and his boss into the Oval Office. As soon as they entered Obama rushed to embrace him calling, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but that can be delayed; you and your friend just get on over here let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in St Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw...you...and the Pope...came out on to the balcony and the man next to me...said...'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'"

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were in a pub when Mike Tyson walks in, orders three beers with whisky chasers, downs them without a break, struts over to the Brits and brags, "I'm Mike Tyson, I'm worth seventy million dollars and I only fcuk white women."

The Englishman shrugs, "So what!"

Tyson goes back to the bar, orders another three beers with whisky chasers, downs them without a break, and returns to brag to the Brits, "I'm Mike Tyson, I'm worth seventy million dollars and I only fcuk white women."

The Scotsman turns to sup his beer, saying, "Who cares!"

Tyson's ego is hurt and he's determined to get some praise, so he goes back to the bar, orders another three beers with whisky chasers, downs them without a break, and returns to brag to the Brits, "I'm Mike Tyson, I'm worth seventy million dollars and I only fcuk white women."

Murphy stands up, goes over to Tyson and whispers something in his ear.

Tyson's is furious, he steps back and launches one to send Murphy flying halfway across the bar, then stomps out.

Murphy's mates rush over to pick him up and revive him, asking, "What did you say to him?"

When he was able to talk, Murphy replied, "I told him dead right, if I was worth seventy million dollars I wouldn't be fcuking niggers."

ps: blimey is that a coincidence? - next news I looked at and he was dead!

ok, not quite dead

Woman listens to her 4-year old playing with his train set.
"All those getting on get the fcuk on, and you lot getting off fcuking get off!"
She rushes in, smacks his bum and sends him up to his room.
2 hours later he comes down, says sorry and carries on playing.
Mum listens in..."For those boarding, mind the gap and have a pleasant trip, for those leaving, thank you for travelling with us and have a nice day, and for those complaining about the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cnut in the kitchen!"

Originally Posted by jabir

ps: blimey is that a coincidence? - next news I looked at and he was dead!

Murphy or Tyson? It was a pretty hard punch...

(I can't believe you know Dave too!)

Over in the UK, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her "Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.

"Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London .."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

A young guy moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own & went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

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^ Perhaps you could tell us what Roger's joke is, CJ.

The Pope is travelling around Australia with his entourage when a thunderstorm breaks out along the coast road he is travelling on. As he looks towards the coast he sees two men with a large rope dangling over the cliff. Curious as to what is happening he stops and walks over to the two men in the driving rain. They appear to be trying to pull something up the cliff with extreme difficulty as they go backwards and forwards straining on the rope. Now extremely curious the Pope edges towards the cliff and looks over into the thundering sea below. He sees an aboriginal man clinging to the rope for dear life. The pope turns to the Australian cleric accompanying him and says,"At last my faith is restored in my fellow man. I have been told Australia is a very racist country but here are these two white men trying their best to save this poor indigenous Australian from a watery grave".
The first guy on the rope said " Who 's that prick?"
The second guys says" He's the pope, he knows shitloads about religion".
The first guy says" He knows fuck all about shark fishing".

Originally Posted by Hugh Cow

The Pope is travelling around Australia with his entourage when a thunderstorm breaks out along the coast road he is travelling on. As he looks towards the coast he sees two men with a large rope dangling over the cliff. Curious as to what is happening he stops and walks over to the two men in the driving rain. They appear to be trying to pull something up the cliff with extreme difficulty as they go backwards and forwards straining on the rope. Now extremely curious the Pope edges towards the cliff and looks over into the thundering sea below. He sees an aboriginal man clinging to the rope for dear life. The pope turns to the Australian cleric accompanying him and says,"At last my faith is restored in my fellow man. I have been told Australia is a very racist country but here are these two white men trying their best to save this poor indigenous Australian from a watery grave".
The first guy on the rope said " Who 's that prick?"
The second guys says" He's the pope, he knows shitloads about religion".
The first guy says" He knows fuck all about shark fishing".

How does that go down in a uni cafetaria.

White guy new to South Africa during apartheid, goes to the movies, not sure how it all works, sees a queue and joins it.
White guy comes up to him and asks, "Are you new here?"
Yes.
"Sure you are, walk straight in, no need to queue with the blecks.
In he goes, to the ticket box, asks for a seat in the stalls, white guy asks "Are you new here?"
Yes.
Sure you are, whites go up in the circle, stalls are for the blecks.
So he buys a circle seat.
Part way through the movie he wants a piss, gets up and starts to head down the row of seats.
White guy asks where he's going, newbie says for a piss, white guy asks, "Are you new here?"
Yes.
Sure you are, go to the front and piss over the rail.
Newbie wasn't comfortable with this, but when in Rome...so he goes to the front and starts pissing over the rail.
After a few seconds a bleck guy yells up, "Oi, are you new here?"
He calls back, Yes.
"Sure you are, man, spread it, spread it!"

Originally Posted by Cujo

How does that go down in a uni cafetaria.

It gets everyones' attention. You can hear a pin drop