Thread: too long for quick jokes....

After golfing one day, Donald Trump was returning to the Club House.

Some golfers headed out, stopped to ask him how his game went.

“Well it was the best game, the best” he lied “I hit perfectly, perfect game” “birdied, an eagle, 2 holes in one, amazing best terrific game” the lies continued.

“I shot 10 ‘huuuge’ strokes under par” and off he continued.

His Caddy stopped and told the group of men “To tell you the truth, Trump only hit 2 balls all day……….. and that’s when he stepped on a rake in the sand trap !”

In the Bar

Customer: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Okay, I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure.How much is that?
Bartender: $3
Customer: There you go. So, what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Who says Aussies aren't romantic ?
Australian Love Poem ��


Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on
And fetch another beer

An oldie but a goodie. Just bail out if you recognize it :


An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .




Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila

^
I didn't see the ending.
Reminds me of The Geebung Polo Club.

Just asked Siri

”Surely it’s not going to rain today”

She said “yes it will and don’t call me Shirley”

... Forgot to turn off Airplane mode

In an asylum, a sadist, a zoophile, an arsonist, a psychopath, a necrophilliac, and a masochist were chatting.
The sadist said "It's a nice day, let's find a cat and torture it."
The zoophile said "Let's find a cat, torture it, and fuck it. "
The arsonist said "Let's find a cat, torture it, fuck it and set fire to it."
The psychopath said "Let's find a cat, torture it, fuck it, set fire to it, and kill it. "
The necrophiliac said "Let's find a cat, torture it, fuck it, set fire to it, kill it, and fuck it again."
They all look at the masochist and say "Well, what do YOU think?"
The masochist says "Meow".

A Sydney man took his neighbour to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbour's chihuahua had killed the man's doberman.
The judge said, "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny chihuahua kill a great big doberman?"
The man replied, "It got stuck in his throat".

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.


I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her arse. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.


"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.


"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"


She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.
One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her vagina.
The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries ORAL SEX to see if it gets a bigger response.
So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments.
After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.
The Doctor a little annoyed asks "What happened?"
Husband says "I Don't know, but I reckon she might have choked,"

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage. "I've had enough! I want to speak with the manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

Old man 1: We went to a great restaurant last night.
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower ?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: Yes that's it. Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did !"

Radio exchanges between pilots and control tower

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I have the little Fokker in sight."
*************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
*************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f-ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!"
*************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are unable, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
*************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
*************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
*************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
*************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Who says football players aren't smart!



My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season, 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

The Mrs has just informed me that sex is better on holidays.
Not the best postcard I've received but at least she was thinking of me .

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel...


On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead from exhaustion. The nun and the priest surveyed their situation and after a long period of silence, the priest spoke.


"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."


"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we will survive more than a day or two."


"I'm afraid I agree", said the priest and then he added hesitantly, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you mind doing something for me?"


"Anything, Father."


"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."


"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."


The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty."


"Father, could I ask something of you?"


"Yes, Sister?"


"I have never seen a man's private part. May I possibly I see yours?"


"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.


"Oh Father, may I touch it?"


The priest reluctantly consented and after a few moments he found he was quite aroused.


"Sister," he whispered, "Do you know that if I insert this in exactly the right place, it can produce life?"


"Is that really true, Father?"


"Yes, it is, Sister."


"Well then quick! Stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

Miracle Teenager Survives On His Own For Almost 6 Hours With No Wi-Fi



IN what has been hailed as ‘a miracle’, one Waterford teenager has reportedly survived in his home with no connection to the internet for almost 6 whole hours.

Answering to the name ‘David Gowan’, the 16-year-old was found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through a Dungarvan neighbourhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above his head looking for a signal and muttering incoherently.

The emergency services were notified and David was brought to a nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-Fi immediately. It remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such a long period of time, and a search has begun to find David’s parents, with fears that they may have other kids without even a single bar of coverage.

“David survived without access to any social media or video sharing sites for the better part of an afternoon,” said an amazed member of Waterford’s child protection services.

“No GIFs, no memes, no porn. It’s incredible to see him in such good condition, considering what he went through. There’s grown adults who can’t go without internet for that long, let alone teenagers. God love him like, he didn’t even see the new Star Wars trailer yet”.

David was not available for interview, with rumours circulating that the poor youngster had lost the ability to speak in anything other than normal English, having not used emojis for so long.

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/201...CPmd_SxuCHBD2A

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a pint.
'This is a special day for me', said the farmer. 'I am celebrating.'
"This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating,' said the woman next to him.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.

His first overseas trip was a holiday in Australia, he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,

"What are all those little black things out there?

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

What a great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed

"We'd never get away with that at home!

Why did Canadian PM Trudeau buy a Dachshound at the Calgary Stampede?
He wanted to fit in after he heard someone say about him-get along little doggie.

A plane is on its way to London, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to a vacant seat in first class.

The flight attendant watches her doing this, asks to see her ticket, and tells her that she paid for economy and must return to her booked seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to London, and this seat is free so I'm staying right here!"

The attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the co-pilot about the blonde bimbo with an economy ticket sitting in first class and refusing to return to economy.

The co-pilot approaches the blonde to tell her she paid for economy and therefore has no right to sit in first class.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to London, and this seat is free so I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot, and suggests they should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest the blonde who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I speak blonde, I'm married to one."

He goes over to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She gets flustered and says, "Oh I'm so sorry," gets up and returns back to economy.

The attendant and co-pilot are amazed, and ask the pilot what he said to her that made her move without a fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to London."

Earns a criminal record and three to six months in the civilised world.

Bill, an old farmer in Florida, owned a large farm with a large pond in the back. It was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, decking, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees there. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping nude in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they immediately squealed and rushed toward the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Bill frowned, “This is my pond. I didn’t come down here to watch you naked ladies, or ask you to come out. You can stay as long as you wish”

Holding up the bucket he continued, “I’m here to feed the alligator...”

Some old men can still think fast!