Thread: too long for quick jokes....

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…”

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED".

However, recently a Linguistics Conference was held in London, England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world. At this conference, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter and was asked to make just that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this:

"Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. Can you please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."
Mr. Balgobin's response was this: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. When you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'Completely Finished'.

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"

The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm"

They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb."

After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, "I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!

^ Ha.

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong “Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the “there’s no Santa” speech. At 7, I got the “there’s no Easter Bunny” speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the “there’s no tooth fairy” speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really f.ck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

A young ventriloquist is touring New Zealand and puts on a show in a small
fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual
dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting; "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Kiwi blonde women that way? What does the colour
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in
general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The ventriloquist, embarrassed, begins to apologize, but the blonde
interrupts, yelling; "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little s.
on your lap."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit.”

^ Reminds me of something that happened to me recently. I was in a 7-11 buying a few things and loaded them on the counter. Two staff not knowing (or caring) that I could speak Thai started to talk about me. "He must have a big family", one said. "How do you know that?" asked the other. "He's bought 2 litres of milk." Funny as fuck. I drink about 5 litres of milk a week.

^ And THAT reminds me of a story I read on TVF years ago. It may have been Neverdie (RIP) or someone else. He said he walked into a cafe and ordered coffee and cakes in Thai. The transaction was done completely in Thai. He sat down and started reading a Thai newspaper and the two Thai staff started talking about him out loud: "Why is he reading a Thai newspaper?"... "He's probably only looking at the pistures".
They'd conversed with him in Thai but gossiped about him in front of him as if he couldn't understand them.
TIT.

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.


"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.


"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."


Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my hair and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

^ And I'm going to die quietly in my sleep, just like my father. Not terrified and screaming like the passengers in the bus he was driving.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar!
He never did any of that!”

An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boiler man and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable.
When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.
“You like this?” Satan asked.
“Yes, sir,” said the sailor, “this feels like a spring day to me.”
Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn’t even broken a sweat.
“I like this kind of weather,” he told Satan.
For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor’s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever.
Satan was exasperated! “Why are YOU so happy?” he demanded from the sailor. “It’s FREEZING in here!”
“Well, I’m from Boston,” said the sailor, “and evidently the Red Sox just won the World Series!”

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”
Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”

And Jill sued for sexual harassment and got the bosses job.

Elton John, and his partner, David Furnish wanted a baby. They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their small beds, eleven of them crying and screaming. In the corner one baby was lying serenely.
A nurse came over to both of men and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies, and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Well, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s well pouring with rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
“God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

Homeless Bob (not TD's Bob, it's just a convenient short name...and the actual name of ths guy ")) went to church one Sunday morning. This church had a bit of a reputation for having an affluent congregation, and when Bob tried to enter dressed in his rags, the ushers stopped him.
Bob said God had told him to go to this church. The ushers suggested Bob go away and ask God again.
Next Sunday, Bob, in his rags went to the church again, and the ushers again prevented him from entering.
Bob said, "I did what you said, and God replyed and told me to keep trying because He hasn't yet succeeded in entering this church".

Yeah...groan...I have poor delivery when it comes to jokes.
I bet Jim Jeffries or ...who was that Irish guy with the missing finger from the 70's...could have delivered that much better.

good old google. Dave Allen. Great with the religious jokes.

You are right with the delivery.

Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.
Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”
None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.
Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.
Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”
He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.
Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”
Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”
Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”

555 ^

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling aroundthe streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.


Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.


'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. 'Get the f*cking manager of this pigshit middle class
w*nkhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you
sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert
in the c*ntting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager
is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for
a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune
he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
minister but I just ****ted your daughter, and now the bitch is
blind...'


'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.


'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****
you get sh*t on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got
any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do
you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care
if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of
your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it'
says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.


The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.


During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
penis is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto
your shoes?'


'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,


I f*cking wrote it!!!'

can read it now!

Sorry just my dig at the Goth nature of the sites colouring.

“Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No sir, it's Google Pizza – we bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. Do you want your usual, sir?”
“My usual? You know me?”
“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust.”
“OK! That’s what I want.”
“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole-wheat gluten-free thin crust?”
“No, you may not! I don't like vegetables.”
“Your cholesterol needs help, sir.”
“How the hell do you know?”
“We cross-referenced your mobile with your medical records, and have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years.”
“Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I take medication for my cholesterol!
“Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication regularly. Our database indicates that you only filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Soul Pharmacy, four months ago.
“I bought the rest at another pharmacy.”
“Not according to your credit card statement.”
“I paid in cash.”
“Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”
“I have other sources of cash.”
“That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”
“WHAT THE HELL?! Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without internet, cable TV, mobiles and jerks watching and spying on me.
“I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago.”