Thread: too long for quick jokes....

Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop in Washington,close to where the Obama's now live.

It's a barbers shop that has met with all the strict homeland security requirements, so maybe it's not all that surprising.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

The Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"

Barack replied, "Go right ahead, Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

^Excellent

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

Woman's Answer: ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***ing house knows HOW to change a f***ing light bulb! They don't even know that the f***ing bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE F***ING DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to fiind the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***ing chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME F***ING SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F***ER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE F***ING PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***ING HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***ING TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry What was the question?

^Obviously not a Thai woman. They wouldn't get out of bed due to their stomach pain.

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."
Pence says, "The fewer".
Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

Originally Posted by Norton

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."
Pence says, "The fewer".
Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

Brilliant.

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Gomer Pyle/Jim Nabors went to the crematorium to pick up Rock Hudsons ashes and
the staff asked where he was going to spread them.
Gomer said i am going to put them in a curry and eat the lot,why said the staff,
Gomer said, so he goes through my ring one last time.

Fuck that's an old joke.....Rock Hudson has been dead 32 years

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

A 50-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.

When she saw God, she asked him, "Is my time up?"

God replied, "No, no, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck in anticipation
of her longer life.

She even had someone come in to change her hair color and brighten her teeth.

Because she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street when she left the building, she was struck and
killed by an ambulance.

Subsequently, in front of God in heaven, she demanded, "I thought you said
I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of
the ambulance?"

God replied: "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't recognize you."

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

Originally Posted by GracelessFawn

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

Where are you getting such awful jokes.

Now look what you've done, GF.....you've upset the head prefect.

Sheriff Koojo, humour sophisticate, is not amused.

Originally Posted by Latindancer

Now look what you've done, GF.....you've upset the head prefect.

Sheriff Koojo, humour sophisticate, is not amused.

And me!!!

On a golf course in Ireland an American tourist went to play a game. He hired a buggy and a caddy, but had noone to play with and asked the caddy to play with him.
So they had a game and the caddy won.
American chap asks if the caddy would accept payment to play again tomorrow and the caddy agreed.
"What time do you want to meet?" asked the yank.
"10 am, but I might be half an hour late" says Paddy (the caddy).

Next morning the American is there at 10, and Paddy is waiting for him.
Paddy has a set of right-handed clubs, and goes on to beat the American.
American asks again if Paddy would play him the next day, and he'd pay him $200 if he wins, and Paddy agreed.
"10 am, but I might be half an hour late".
Next day, Paddy is there at 10 sharp when the American arrives.
This time Paddy has a set of left-handed clubs, and goes on to win the game again.

American chap is overawed and says he's never seen anyone play with one hand one day and the other hand the next day and asks Paddy how he achieves this feat.

"well, it's my wife, you see. In the morning I wake up and if she's lying on her right side, I play right handed, and if she's lying on her left side I play left handed".

"But what if she's lying on her back?" asks the tourist.

"Well then, I'll be half an hour late."

Some oldies, bnut goodies which I am repeating for those who haven't read em before :

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch …

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.

Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Originally Posted by Latindancer

...

Quick jokes dickhead.
THERE'S EVEN A SPECIAL THREAD FOR JOKES THAT ARE TOO LONG FOR THIS THREAD.
(now trousersnake the old woman is going to red me for 'bullying' you. but then you are two old women alike)

That could be a joke, too, Dawg...Kinda...But not long enough for this thread...

"Trousersnake"...Heh...

Originally Posted by Cujo

Originally Posted by Latindancer

...

Quick jokes dickhead.
THERE'S EVEN A SPECIAL THREAD FOR JOKES THAT ARE TOO LONG FOR THIS THREAD.
(now trousersnake the old woman is going to red me for 'bullying' you. but then you are two old women alike)

Dude- maybe check which thread this is first?

What's the name of the thread for 'Too long for quick jokes"?